Everyone likes jokes...EVERYONE!
With that in mind I thought getting a joke thread going again would be a good idea.
I'll start us off with a personal favourite from one of my favourite comedians; the late, great, Bernard Manning.
My mother-in-law once said to me, "If you die before me, I'm going to dance on your grave!"
To which I replied, "I hope so, because I plan to be buried at sea!"
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Come on... tell us a joke!
Come on... tell us a joke!
Aways look on the bright side of life.
Jim Morrison is sitting on one side of a hotel room with the rest of his band, whilst the Beatles are sat on the other. Rebecca Loos walks in stark naked, goes over to John Lennon, pulls his trousers down and goes down on him. After doing what she does best to John, she moves on to Ringo, then to Paul. Just as she gets to George Harrison a Mini cooper come crashing through the wall. Michael Caine leans out of the window and shouts,
"Oi! You were only meant to blow the bloody Doors off!"
"Oi! You were only meant to blow the bloody Doors off!"
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted"
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal,
"Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.".........
“I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again, Christian!".
I'll grab my coat......
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted"
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal,
"Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.".........
“I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again, Christian!".
I'll grab my coat......
I wish I could understand that one, it rare I see my own name in a joke and I was so happy I got all the way through the big joke understanding every word so I knew they was no chance of me not getting it, but then as simple as it is I didn't get it, anyway...“I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again, Christian!".
An elderly couple are enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.
"Yes," she says, I remember it well.
"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake.
"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes!
She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.
This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.
As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
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The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
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Alfa
- Guest
There ere bloke heard that he could make a bomb by illegally importing Rolex watches from Hong Kong. So off he tootles to Hongers. And buys about six Rolex for a song.
The next problem was where to put them when going though customs? He suddenly had an cracking idea. He'd put on on his penis! Somehow he got all six Rolex watches nicely located on his wee willy winkle and proceeded to go though customs.
As he got nearer to the customs officer he noticed that the officer in question kept hitting his watch and listening to it. When it came to his turn the Customs Officer was heard to mutter "Bugger It's Bolloxed!" The Custom officer looked up at the Rolex watch importer, smile a nice friendly smile and asked him "YOU GOT THE TIME ON YOUR COCK MATE?"
I'll get me coat.
Artist
The next problem was where to put them when going though customs? He suddenly had an cracking idea. He'd put on on his penis! Somehow he got all six Rolex watches nicely located on his wee willy winkle and proceeded to go though customs.
As he got nearer to the customs officer he noticed that the officer in question kept hitting his watch and listening to it. When it came to his turn the Customs Officer was heard to mutter "Bugger It's Bolloxed!" The Custom officer looked up at the Rolex watch importer, smile a nice friendly smile and asked him "YOU GOT THE TIME ON YOUR COCK MATE?"
I'll get me coat.
Artist
I am with ADDiction here, not because he likes my joke though 
. When I was reading I was getting all excited before I got to the end. I was hoping it would be a great joke and was worried it was a good joke at the start but with a rubbish punch line. I was hoping I'll laugh 'a lot' (not alot which people think it is spelt as), I was hoping it would be a joke I'll remember... I have lost all faith now.
. When I was reading I was getting all excited before I got to the end. I was hoping it would be a great joke and was worried it was a good joke at the start but with a rubbish punch line. I was hoping I'll laugh 'a lot' (not alot which people think it is spelt as), I was hoping it would be a joke I'll remember... I have lost all faith now.I thought it was alright, more of a groan-laugh than all out laughter but still clever.
I have one that uses wordplay in a similar way but will have to try to remember how it goes first.
For the time being...
"How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
"Just 2 but you'll never know how they got there!"
I have one that uses wordplay in a similar way but will have to try to remember how it goes first.
For the time being...
"How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
"Just 2 but you'll never know how they got there!"
Aways look on the bright side of life.
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Chris_Manchester
- Member
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- Joined: Thu 01 Mar, 2007 3:13 pm
- Location: FPGRM
- Contact:
ok here we go.....
Two irish men walk into a pub gagging for a pint. Paddy checks his pockets and realises he's got no money, Steven checks his pockets and finds only a carrot. Steven turns to Paddy and says, " tell you what mate, ill put his carrot between my legs, you get down and suck it and we'll see if we can wrangle a pint". They do this and the barman disgusted demands they leave, they agree to if he gives them a drink each. Barman agree's.
They pull this trick for a few more pubs, Paddy rubbing his jaw says " I dont know how much longer i can do this mate, my jaws killing me and my knee's are on fire!".
Steven laughed and said "You think thats bad mate, i lost the carrot 2 pubs ago!"
Two irish men walk into a pub gagging for a pint. Paddy checks his pockets and realises he's got no money, Steven checks his pockets and finds only a carrot. Steven turns to Paddy and says, " tell you what mate, ill put his carrot between my legs, you get down and suck it and we'll see if we can wrangle a pint". They do this and the barman disgusted demands they leave, they agree to if he gives them a drink each. Barman agree's.
They pull this trick for a few more pubs, Paddy rubbing his jaw says " I dont know how much longer i can do this mate, my jaws killing me and my knee's are on fire!".
Steven laughed and said "You think thats bad mate, i lost the carrot 2 pubs ago!"
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