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Thank you for your advice. I understand why you're giving me this advice, which is why I'm finding it so difficult. The difference here being that my boyfriend has admitted to having feelings beyond being just mates when he was over there and was attracted to this girl to the point of choosing between us. He hasn't spoken about her since he returned, apart from when I found out (from a note I found) and confronted him, so I don't know if they are in contact now. I didn't give him an ultimatum, he told me he wouldn't see her when he saw I was pretty upset. I'm not sure, maybe I will feel better about the idea of them meeting up when things between us are more stable. I know he has been though a lot, but it has not been easy for me either.

M x.

Mary,
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time of it. I hope the fact that when it came to the crunch he chose you will give you some ground to start from in rebuilding your relationship. The feelings he started to have for her could have been just down to the bond of shared experience, and the ability to talk about the situation they were both in. He will have felt he couldn't talk to you about it, that you wouldn't understand, because you hadn't been through it. But he still chose to come back to you, to give your relationship a chance. He must think you two have something worth fighting for. Support him all you can, but remember to look after yourself as well.
I hope it all works out for you.
X

flighty wrote:My gut reaction as a plain and simple civvy is, give him the space to maintain his friendship with this lass. They have been a support to each other in situations which you cannot possibly have an inkling about. To deny them that comradeship would be wrong.

I have a great male colleague of twenty odd years. That's all he is. He's been my greatest 'lift' workwise for all these years. We've shared some really bad times and some bloody brilliant ones. He is one of my best mates, ever.

If my other half tried to make me sever communications with him I know who would be told to walk first. But then, he wouldn't. Brendan is a valued mate. Steve is my partner. It isn't too tricky to get to get your heads round.

I feel a bit out of place posting here as I've no experience of PTSD first or second hand and am very young (16) so I really don't want to come across as trying to give advice on something a know very little about.

But just to second the point that Lads can have close relationships with women whom they have had or still have feelings for... I know it's on a much smaller scale but my ex who I was with for three years in high school (i know it sounds childish) helped me though some rough times both with my self (aggression problems) and with my family problems of which there was quite a few.

I can honestly say I wouldn't be half the person I am with out her and for someone like her, especially at her age to be so understanding and to be honest patient with me is amazing.

Getting back to the point, I've now split for well over a year and although I still have strong feelings for her we are just mate and damn close ones too, I can go to her for anything and in a lot of cases being female she has the answer... beet the answer my male mate give me (which is usually light hearted abuse)

Like I say I know it's far from what you are going though but I'm so glad I know shes there for me as shes the only person who's ever really got through to me in that way as I usually don't open up to other people. maybe thats what he has with her as they share there experiences.

Hope this is useful in some way and all the very best with sorting things out.

Stokey

not knowing much about PTSD myself i cant say much but stokey is certainly right! My ex is one of the closest people to my heart, i havent been with her for a very long time. but shes still there, could even say i still love her but i wouldn't want to be in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with her again, if i was locked off from speaking to her though my life wouldn't have turned out like it is today.

Mary0810

My uncle had the same problem when he came back from the 1st invasion of Iraq, it cost him his marriage and 2 years of his life in the nick for Assault.

sadly about 3 -4 years after him and his EX wife went for a stroll to the places they used to go when they we're 'lovers' they done this for about a year or so, gone to all the places of fond memory and my uncle said after time everything just flushed away and he started to feel human again.

Just thought it could be an idea for you and you're Mr.

Hope it helps

It's been a while since I posted on here. Thought I'd give you a quick update.

Well, having got on track and attending PTSD counselling sessions, after a few months things were great between us again. But then I found out my bf had been unfaithful. I was really devastated, after everything I'd gone through for him. He was adamant is was all down to the pressure of the tour and not feeling himself. After putting so much in and coming so far together I agreed to try and forgive and forget. I'ts been really tough, but things have improved and we haved moved on.

But, he is scheduled to go back in the next month and I am dreading it. This is the last time I go through this again. It really is make or break.

Thank you for all your advice and support. It really was the only place I could turn at one point.

M x.

Hi Mary, good to hear things got better for you.

Hopefully everything that the two of you have been through, and all the hard work you've put in to stay together, will have set a strong foundation for you both while he's away again. Having been through it once already, he should be more aware of how it will affect him, and have some strategies in place for coping with it better. (The PTSD counsellor should have talked about this with you...)

Fingers crossed for you!
x