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Agony Aunt
Posted: Wed 12 Oct, 2005 12:14 pm
by Mike
Place all you Problems here and someone will answere it for you
I’m sure this topic will generate some heart felt advice to those who have problems, be it Physical, Matrimonial, of just every day Problems
Posted: Wed 12 Oct, 2005 12:33 pm
by flo
Great someone to off load on!
Im gagging for a bit of the other but the doc's (not our doc
) wont let me yet. What advice would you give
If you ask me its a high price to pay for a designer f***y
Mike do you really think this is a good idea cause you'll have bored housewifes (like me) asking you about knitting patterns.
yep im bored!!!!!
Posted: Wed 12 Oct, 2005 3:11 pm
by Doc
Flo thats why I always say you should ask for a second opinion, I'll be round shortly
Ive been out of work for 6 weeks now and its doing my head in! Solicitor is dragging her feet and doctor has signed me off again and all I get is £60 a week from the DSS. First time Ive ever claimed and its not only embarrassing but painful! All my savings have gone and Ive just had to cancel my ski trip for xmas and lost £350!
Apart from that , Im getting lots of phys in (and coffee, fags, whiskey!)
Drip over, feel free to rip into me
Posted: Wed 12 Oct, 2005 3:17 pm
by Artist
Dear Aunty Mike
Today I went to Morrisons and bought two loaves of bread, A daily mail newspaper, six first class stamps and a box of Vesta Chow Mein.
On returning home I discovered that one of the cats had shat under the dining room table. This discovery was made by me dropping a Bourbon Biccy on the deck and putting my hand in the shit.
Is this normal?
Artist
Posted: Wed 12 Oct, 2005 3:53 pm
by Mike
Dear Flo,
I really don’t know why your doctor has a problem with you throat reflex action, especially as you have never had complaints before . I suggest you would be better changing practices or at least get a second opinion
Have you tried Renta F****y, you can get them from most Large Boots and all good Hardware stores either in porcelain or metal, and saves you from soiling your own.
Aye
M
Posted: Wed 12 Oct, 2005 3:59 pm
by Mike
Doc wrote:Flo thats why I always say you should ask for a second opinion, I'll be round shortly
Ive been out of work for 6 weeks now and its doing my head in! Solicitor is dragging her feet and doctor has signed me off again and all I get is £60 a week from the DSS. First time Ive ever claimed and its not only embarrassing but painful! All my savings have gone and Ive just had to cancel my ski trip for xmas and lost £350!
Apart from that , Im getting lots of phys in (and coffee, fags, whiskey!)
Drip over, feel free to rip into me
Dear Doc,
In the following order:
1. Set up camp in the dole office
2. Change you Solicitor, they only make themselves rich
3. Get a secons oppinion from your Doctor
4. As for 1.
5. It is always embarassing.. Take your own sadvice and take 2 codine
6. Rob a bank
Aye
M
Posted: Wed 12 Oct, 2005 4:06 pm
by Mike
Artist wrote:Dear Aunty Mike
Today I went to Morrisons and bought two loaves of bread, A daily mail newspaper, six first class stamps and a box of Vesta Chow Mein.
On returning home I discovered that one of the cats had shat under the dining room table. This discovery was made by me dropping a Bourbon Biccy on the deck and putting my hand in the shit.
Is this normal?
Artist
Dear Artist,
Nothing in your house is
NORMAL.. I'd have taken you for a a Daily Sport man... just goes to show. You never can tell
I hope you didnt mistake the Bourbon Biccy for the Shit
Aye
M
Posted: Thu 13 Oct, 2005 6:47 pm
by Sticky Blue
I've got a crack in my arse... is this normal?
Posted: Thu 13 Oct, 2005 7:33 pm
by Mike
Now c'mon Stix we all know that is a silly question. Had you asked why you had a large bolt on the top of your head? I'd have been able to tell you that if you unscrewed it your Arse would have fallen off!
Medical Fact... according to Munching Mick, late of Pompy Hard.
The Male appendage was designed to Fark Arse. Had it been designed to Fark pussy it'd been the shape of a cricket bat!!
Aye
M
Posted: Thu 13 Oct, 2005 8:49 pm
by Sticky Blue
Thanks Auntie Mike... I was told that if I stuck my finger in my belly button it would undo screw and my arse fall off. Like a prong I believed it! How stupid do I feel
Posted: Fri 14 Oct, 2005 6:20 pm
by Artist
Oie was once told when Oie were a young laad that if I kept playing with me Belly Button all the air would blow out and I'd be as flat as a pancake. For years after I always carried a Plaster........Just in case!
Another for Aunty Mike
One evening oie went to the local pub and had a few wets. The next morning I woke up to find that my original idea of attaching a 50 garden hose to the end of my Willy and hanging the other end out of the bedroom window to save me the bother of getting up to have a slash had not gone quite to plan. Some twonk had attached the other end to a high pressure air hose. My question is simple really.
How do you cure a really bad case of Wind?
O and just how do you massage yer knackers back down to a normal size?
Artist
Posted: Fri 14 Oct, 2005 9:19 pm
by Sticky Blue
Dear Aunti Mike,
there are some big boys in this place I go to... without mentioning any names, one of them is a painter, one medical and one talks to people who take hostages. I don't mind them but they keep making me snot drinks out my nostrils onto my computer keyboard and monitor; sometimes, beer, coffee, bacardi, coke. Now my dilema is simple: Should I
a. stop drinking
b. make a snot and fluid proof keyboard & monitor cover
c. gouge out my eyes
Posted: Sat 15 Oct, 2005 11:00 am
by Mike
Cliodna
The Belly button is an integral part of both male and female anatomy. It enables a couple to eat Fish and Chips in Bed by supplying an excellent place to put the salt and if so required an ideal orifice in which to place dunking sauce, such as sôs goch
Artist.
A bad case of flatulence can often be cured by elevating the rectum above the body core. This as any schoolboy will tell you allows the gasses to rise and vent to the outer atmosphere.
With respect to the final part of your question: how do you massage yer knackers A man of your fortitude should already know the answer to this one….which is ……YOU DON’T. Get someone else to do it for you. You will find that it is far more pleasurable than self manipulation.
Stix
I fear that I shouldn'tt answer your question as you don’t mention, in passing, one rotund Coastie who endeavours to elicit a smile or two from our readers.
But as the regular Agony Aunt here, I will proff the following suggestions. My first is to suggest that your computer work station be a liquid fee zone. The second is to purchase a shit load of Marigold I'M A SCAMMER SPAMMER!!! gloves and some rubberised glue, following that, cut rectangular pieces off the back of the gloves, sticking them together, makings a cover for you KB at the same time placing a large Plastic bag over your monitor. If all else fails, take your self down to your local PC World and purchase a custom made cover… You Tight Basser
Agony Aunt
Posted: Sun 27 Nov, 2005 3:36 pm
by Mike
C'mon Folks I cant believe that you haven't got any small embarrassing little Quirks that Aunty M can solve for you... I’m sure that Archie could unburden himself, MadMick has had many a close shave* and Hackedorft must have a few skeletons in the cupboard!
Aye
Aunty 'M'
MadMick are you still waxing…. Do you remember asking me to get into those tight corners. My how we all howl with laughter as I ripped the skin off your balls…… Happy days
( Bit of a PT enthusiast was out Mick)
Posted: Mon 28 Nov, 2005 12:49 pm
by Madmick
Didnt think about it at the time Mike, Thought it was my clit !!! you were waxing,
Now Mad
Maxine