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What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?

They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!

Subject: IRAQI TV GUIDE


For your further watching pleasure.


> >06.00 - Morning Prayers
> >
> >07.30 - "The Rock 'n Roll Years 629 AD" - A look back at the events of
> the last year, including the execution of 2,300 dissidents and the opening
> of a new French oil refinery.
> >
> >08.00 - FILM: "Saddambusters" - Dramatisation of the glorious 1991 Iraqi
> victory in Kuwait.
> >
> >09.30 - "Have I Got Genocide For You" - Celebrities make weapons of mass
> destruction out of everyday objects.
> >
> >10.00 - "Holiday" - The team check out nice places for the Saddam
> >family to retire. Featuring: North Korea, Rhodesia and France.
> >
> >10.30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
> >
> >11.30 - "Tomorrow's World" - New torture inventions for scientists who
> refuse to make nuclear bombs.
> >
> >12.00 - "Green Peter" - The total amount of smallpox virus bought by the
> milk bottle top appeal is revealed. Also - three ways to burn a flag, and
> how to make a President Bush effigy.
> >
> >12.30 - "Only Fools and Camels" - Dhal-Boy offloads some dodgy French
> rocket-launchers to a bloke from Hamas.
> >
> >13.30 - "Koranation Street" - Deirdrie faces execution by cat o'nine
> tails for being a shiite. Benny is hung upside-down for being a
> homosexual.
> >
> >14.00 - "Question Time" - Members of the public face awkward questions
> from the Secret Service.
> >
> >15.00 - "Allah McBeal"
> >
> >15.30 - "You've Bin Ladened" - Amusing footage shot secretly in Iraq's
> prisons. The film-makers were also secretly shot.
> >
> >16.00 - "Talibannies" - Dipsy and Tinky-Winky make nerve-gas.
> >
> >16.30 - "Sadd's Army" - The Basra-on-Sea home guard repel another
> >attack by evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels. Fraser has his
> willy hacked off for stealing some of Corporal Jones's sausages.
> >
> >17.00 - "Wheel of Terror"
> >
> >17.30 - "Middle-East Enders" - The entire cast is beheaded for not
> saluting when Saddam comes on the telly.
> >
> >18.00 - FILM: "Saddam's Angels" - The three burkha-clad sleuths go
> undercover to expose an evil scheme to bring democracy and free speech to
> Iraq.
> >
> >19.30 - "Big Brother" - Who will be taken to Baghdad and executed this
> week?
> >
> >20.30 - "Xena: Modestly Dressed Housewife" - Xena stays at home in a mask
> and does some housework.
> >
> >21.30 - "Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer".
> >
> >22.30 - "The Sky At Night" - What to see in the Iraqi night sky during
> March: including B52 Bombers, Stealth Fighters and Cruise Missiles.

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English Major. Taking the Major to their headquarters, a French General began to question him. The French General asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at. In his bland English way, the Major informed the General that the reason English officers wear red is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic. And that is why, from that day until now,all French Army officers wear brown trousers.

A Scotsman, an italian, and an irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Scotsman says, 'Aye, this is a nice bar, but where i come from , back in Glasgee, theres a better one. At MacDougal's, ye buy a drink, ye buy another drink, MacDougal himself will buy yir third drink!'
the others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the Italian says, 'Yeah, dat's a nice-a bar, but where i come from, dere's a better one. In Roma, dere's dis place, Vincenzo's. At Vincenzo's you buy a drinka, Viincenzo buys you a drinka. You buyanudda drinka, Vincenzo buys you anudda drinka.' Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the irishman says, 'You tink dat's great? Where oi come from in Dublin, dere's dis place called Morphy's. At Morphy's, they boi you your first drink, dey boi you yer second, den dey boi you yer tird drink, and den, after all dat, dey take you out de back and get you laid!'

'Wow!' say the other two. 'Thats fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?' 'No' says the irish guy, 'but it happened to me sister!'

Just a quick one -


















Ready?















Tony Blair!

Newly arrived sailor to Royal Marine on-board HMS Arc Royal: Have you ever met any of the 'Royals'??
Marine: Oh yes i bumped into Her Majesty in a narrow corridor one day, we had a lovely chat!
Sailor: Really, what did she say?
Marine: She said 'get out of my f**king way!!'

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid.

It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

The man answered, "Twelve thirty."

Morris, an 82 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street
with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to the man and said,
"You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doctor: 'Get a hot
mamma and be cheerful.' "
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart
murmur. Be careful."

NEWS FLASH

A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale has hit Albania
this morning. 350,000 Albanians are missing, and over a million have
been reported injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know
where to start with providing help...

The rest of the world is in shock:
Canada is sending troops to assist the country.
The USA is sending food, medical aid and money.
France is sending doctors, nurses and medical supplies.

Russia is sending tents and warm clothing.

The UK is sending 135,000 replacement Albanians.

David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the Horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops at a steady pace.

Victoria admiringly watches her husband.

After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop.

Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horse's neck.

David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups.

As the horse continues to gallop David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!!!!

Hearing her screams, the Tesco's Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.

A drunk sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie
was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his
newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,
"Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,
too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to hispaper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you
had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

Many women think they already know everything, but wait, new
training courses are now available in 2003 for women on the
following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait until After The Game.
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too. 6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His.
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
9. Communication Skills III: Getting what you want without nagging.
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
12. Introduction to Parking.
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space.
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat.
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption.
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
19. PMS: Your Problem . .. . Not His.
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
24. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both.
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only.
26. Getting ready to go out: Start the day before.

Hollywood squares


Those of us old enough to remember the Old Hollywood Squares Game
(before Whoopi) will appreciate these.
These are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now.
These are from the old Hollywood Squares show in the 70's.
Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a
man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing-older question and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: When you pat a dog on its head, he will usually wag his tail.
What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't
> neglected!

Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his
head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect ight?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.

Q: To what do Roy Rogers and Dale Evans attribute their long marriage.
A: Paul Lynde: They're both good in the saddle.

>
> An Australian, and Irishman and a Scouser were sitting in a bar.
>
> There was only one other person in the bar.
>
> The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly
familiar.
>
> They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when
suddenly the Irishman cried out:
>
> "My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!"
>
> The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself,
sitting alone at a table.
>
> The Irishman calls out across the lounge:
> "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus?"
>
> Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head.
> "Yes, I am Jesus," he says.
>
> Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him:
> "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me."
>
> The bartender pours Jesus a Guinness. Jesus looks over, raises his
glass in thanks and drinks.
>
> Then the Australian calls out:
> "Oy you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or what?"
>
> Jesus nods and says
> "Yes, I am Jesus".
>
> The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a
pot of Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure.
>
> The Scouser then calls out:
> "Oi wack, would you be Jesus?
>
> Jesus smiles and says
> "Yes, I am Jesus".
>
> The Scouser beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of
bitter for Jesus, which the bartender duly does.
>
> As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the table.
>
> Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and
approaches our three friends. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
>
> When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:
> "Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I've had for years is
gone! It's a miracle!!!"
>
> Jesus then shakes the Australian's hand, thanking him for the lager.
Upon letting go, the Australian's eyes widen in shock:
> "By jingo mate, the migraine! The migraine I've had for 40 years is
completely gone - it's a miracle!!!"
>
> Jesus then goes to approach the Scouser who says:
> "Back off, mate! I'm on Disability!"