Joke

[ABI]

Ex- bootie pops into his local on the way home from work, orders his beer and sits down to read the Times (because his got an O Level see). Hear's a shout from across the bar "Oi Steve, its me John" Looks up and sees his long lost oppo from the mob

Several beers later Steve makes to leave, "stay for another" says John. Can't mate the mother-in-laws stopping over and I promised I'd get home you know how it is, don't want to upset the wife.

Look mate try this out, it works every time. When you get home tip toe up the stairs sneak into the bedroom, crawl under the foot of the quilt, part her legs and chew the rug for a bit. She will forget all about being angry and bobs your uncle your in the clear. You sure it works, says Steve..........positive says John. f@#k it I'll stay then.

Ten pints later, John staggers indoors, tip toes up stairs sneaks into the bedroom, crawls under the duvet, parts her legs and starts to munch.....two minutes later his still chewing with no reaction, so he keeps going......five minutes later he thinks ......ahh sod it shes fast asleep and I need a piss. So he creeps out of the bedroom and bumps into his wife

SSSHHHHHHH keep the noise down, she says, my mums asleep in there.


It might be on an earlier post but it makes me laugh

[Ghostrider]

A man dealing with computers went on a trip to hong kong to buy some new components. When he arrived at his hotel he was greeted by a young collegue. The man gave gave him a card and told him if he wanted a lady for the night to give this number a ring and charge it on to him. He said thanx and went on. Later that night he was feeling quite bored and decided he would give this number a ring. About 10 mins later sure enough there was a knock at the door, and in came a beutiful lady. So anyway, things start getting hot and steamy between the 2, when all of a sudden she shouts PUSHADA, PUSHADA!! So the guy thinks, god she wants it harder, fair enough, so he does. All the while she keeps shouting PUSHADA, PUSHADA, tears now streaming down her face. He thinks to himself, god this is unreal, she wants it harder!!! So he does. The next day that man and his collegue decide to go out for a round of golf. The collegue lines up the 16th hole and tee's off. Then he shouts awwwwww PUSHADA. Now to the mans amazement and confusion asks his collegue what he just said..... Wrong hole

[Ghostrider]

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20 a woman is
like Africa, half discovered, half wild naturally beautiful
with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and
open to trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and
convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but
still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war -
haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders
are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious
and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where
it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick

[Ghostrider]

Whats the differece between a mosquito and a blonde?
A mosquito stops suckin after you hit it a slap

[Ghostrider]

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a
short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went
to the I'M A SCAMMER SPAMMER!!! and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last
drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:
"Extra Long - King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole
month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar
magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. ? The ad said:
"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted

[Davie]

The 3 Paddys were all up for interview to join the worlds top Mafia. Each paddy was told to bring his wife along to the interview. Thinking nothing more about it all 3 paddys turned up for their interview, all of them bringing their wives. Paddy the englishman was called in first to the interview. Him and his wife both sat down and were asked some questions. ' Now,' says the man interviewing the englishman.' To test how much you want this job, what you'll do to get it and how much faith you have within the organisation, i want you to shoot your wife dead!' The interviewer slid a gun across the desk and left the room. A few moments later paddy the englishman appeared out of the room his wife under his arm unable to complete the test he was given.....he had failed. Next up was paddy the scottishman who also went in with his wife. Again the same procedure was taken, he was set the test and the interviewer left the room. A few moments later he too appeared out of the room, his wife under his arm unable to complete the test he was given......he had also failed. Next in was paddy the irishman who again went in with his wife. Same procedure was taken once again, he was asked a few questions, set his test and the interviewer left the room. The interviewer again waited outside the door, a few seconds later there was an almighty BANG. A minute later the interviewer re-entered the room to find paddy the irishmans wife lying dead on the floor. The interviewer who was absloutly speechless looked at paddy the irishman in complete shock. Paddy the irishman looked at the interviewer and said, ' The gun was only loaded with blanks, so i had to strangle the bitch instead!'

[Ghostrider]

Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your Dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"

Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.

Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

[Davie]

A man was going over to meet the queen. When talking to a close friend the man said,' I've never met the queen before..... in fact the only time I've ever saw her was on the front of a postage stamp, i wouldn't be sure whether to sake her hand or lick her on the back of the head.'