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One for Harry and Beasta.........

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Tottenham, and trying to
make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a
Spurs fan. She asks the class to raise their hands if they too are Spurs
fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher
looks at the girl with surprise and says:

"Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Spurs fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Spurs fan, then
who do you support?"

"I'm an Arsenal fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you an Arsenal fan?"

"Because my mum and dad are from Highbury and my mum is an Arsenal fan and
my dad is a Arsenal fan, so I'm a Arsenal fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for
you to be a Arsenal fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of
the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict
and a car thief, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary said, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."

Ahoy there!
Eh! Eh! That's not funny.
Anymore jokes like that and I'll put your car up on bricks.

Ahoy there Rogue Chef.

Dey do dat up dere do, don't dey do.
An oldy but couldn't resist it mate. (I'm a soft sootherner so neck's being wound in as we speak)

1.Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2.If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger.
If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is,
unless you keep pulling the stick back-then they get bigger again.

3.Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4.It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there,
than up there wishing you were down here.

5.The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6.The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool.
When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7.When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8.A "good" landing is one from which you can walk away. A "great"
landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9.Learn from the mistakes of others.
You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10.You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11.The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival.
Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival-and vice versa.

12.Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't
get to five minutes earlier.

13.Stay out of clouds.
The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might
be another airplane going in the opposite direction.
Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14.Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal
to the number of takeoffs you've made.

15.There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.
Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

16.You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience.
The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag: of luck.

17.Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18.If all you can see out of the windscreen is ground
that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion
coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19.In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds
of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour,
the ground has yet to lose.

20.Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately,
experience usually come from bad judgment.

21.It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22.Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23.Remember, gravity is not just a good idea.
It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

24.The three most useless things to a pilot are altitude above you,
runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago

25.There are old pilots and there are bold pilots.
There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

The Labour Party Manifesto

The Labour Party has chosen the condom as the official party emblem.

It stands for inflation
Halts production
Gives protection to a bunch of pricks
And gives a false sense of security whilst being stuffed

Vote Labour

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
The old farmer after seeing what happened went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and then asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

London 2012 : an Olympic Bid
In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic committee on their choice of venus for the Olympic Games in the year 2012, the Daily Telegraph and the Organisers of London's bid have already drawn up an itinery and schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.

Opening Ceremony

This is to be kept as brief as possible due to the low boredom threshold of the average Londoner.

There will be no parade of athletes around the arena because if the leave their rooms in the Olympic Village for more than two minutes, the rooms will be stripped bare by the time they return.

There will be no national flags in the stadium as, if they are left unattended, they are likely to be stolen and used as bedding by the inhabitants of Cardboard City.

The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city (preferably the Brixton or Tottenham area), wearing the traditional costume of a shell suit and balaclava mask and it will burn for the duration of the Games in a giant chip pan situated on the roof of the stadium.


The Events

In previous Olympic Games, Britain's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 metres Sprint

Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven ( one under each arm) and, on the sound of a starting pistol, a Police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes .

100 metres Hurdles

The same as the above with added obstacles - car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, and walls.

Hammer
Competitors in this event may choose which type of hammer they wish to use ( claw, ball pein, sledge, etc., etc..). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.

Fencing

Competitors will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellry as possible within 5 minutes.

Long Jump/High Jump

These events have been amalgamated and will be referred to simply as "A Jump" - mixed teams only in loose fitting clothing.

Shooting

A strong challenge is expected from local men in the Shooting. The target firstly, will be a moving Police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a Post Office counter clerk, Bank counter staff or a Securicor style wages delivery van.

Boxing

Entry will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 12 pints of Watneys and the wife will be instructed not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

Cycling - Time Trials

Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike sheds and steal an expensive mountain bike owned by some Mummy's boy from the Home Counties on his first time away from home. All against the clock

Cycling - Pursuit

As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the SAS/SBS rugby team, who will witness the theft.

Modern Pentathlon

Amended events will include Mugging, Breaking & Entering, Flashing, Joy-riding and Arson.

The Marathon

A safe route has yet to be decided but competitiors will be issued with sharp sticks and bin-bags with which to clear up litter on their way round.

Swimming

Competitors will be thrown from Westminster Bridge - the first three survivors back will be the medallists. If handicapping is necessary, some of the sacks will be tied at the top.

Mens 4x100 metres Relay

To be run according to the usual rules with the slight amendment of replacing the batons with handbags stolen from members of the public watchng the event.

Mens 4x400 metres Relay

As above but with a Police dog in pursuit to ensure they run further.

Weightlifting

This will now be a pairs event. In the first round, competitors will be reqired to smash a shop window and make their escape with a three piece suite or washing machine from the display. Medals will be decided by the first team to overturn and torch a Police Armed Response vehicle, complete with Constables

Sticky Blue. Reference 'Mental Health Hotline'.

23 pages step back.............March. (Page 26 before you fall over!)

For not reading other people's jokes........get on the flank!

It is a good one though!

Jay, Harry or Rob,
Please feel free to delete this if you think it will offend


Pussy vs Beer
>
>A beer is always wet.
>A pussy needs encouragement.
>Advantage: Beer.
>
>A beer tastes horrible served hot.
>A pussy tastes better served hot.
>Advantage: Pussy.
>
>Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
>Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
>Advantage: Beer.
>
>Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
>Pussy does not.
>Advantage: Draw.
>
>If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
>Advantage: Pussy.
>
>24 beers come in a box.
>A pussy is a box you can come in.
>Advantage: Pussy.
>
>Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
>Advantage: Pussy.
>
>If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
>Advantage: Beer.
>
>If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad.
>If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
>Advantage: Beer.
>
>6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
>6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
>Advantage: Pussy.
>
>Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
>Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
>Advantage: Draw.
>
>It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
>You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
>Advantage: Pussy.
>
>If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer.
>If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
>Advantage: Pussy.
>
>With beer, bigger is better.
>Advantage: Beer.
>
>Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
>Advantage: Beer.
>
>Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
>Pussy can make you see God.
>Advantage: Pussy.
>
>If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
>If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal.
>Advantage: Pussy.
>
>Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
>Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
>Advantage: Pussy.
>
>If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
>If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
>Advantage: Draw.
>
>Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill.
>Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright, Dana Doran.
>Advantage: Draw.
>
>Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, New Castle.
>Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
>Advantage: Pussy.
>
>The government taxes beer.
>Advantage: Pussy.
>
>It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
>Advantage: PUSSY.
>
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Back in the Swinging Sixties, Michael Caine is holding a big showbiz party in his w@#k new house. Everyone who's anyone is there - top stars from the worlds of movies and music, fashion and art.
There's a feed of pints, the best wines that money can buy, oysters, champagne, Lennon and McCartney are helping themselves at the bar, Jim Morrison and his band are sitting on the couch singing "Light MyFire", and over in the corner, George Peppard's getting friendly with Sophia Loren.
All's going really well, until Jim Morrison decides he's bored and wants to go home.
"Oi, Jim," objects Michael Caine, "party's just got started. How's about I get one of 'the ladies' to take you into the spare bedroom for a bit of 'how's yer father?'" "Fair play," nods Jim "as long as she does the rest of the band, too."
"Not a problem, Jim," smiles Michael, as he pulls a young dolly bird in close and whispers some instructions in her ear.
Half an hour later, the young lass is just wiping her chin, when in walks Ringo Starr from the Beatles. "Alright, luv?" he drones, "don't suppose you fancy extending that service to me, do you?"
The young woman thinks about this for a second, then says "What the hell!" and proceeds to unzip Ringo's fly and get to work.
Ringo's having a grand time, until the door flies open and Michael Caine bursts in. He grabs the young girl by the back of the hair and slaps her hard across the face!
"Wh-what was that for?" she whimpers.
"I told you," Caine snarls.


"You were only s'posed to blow the bloody Doors off..."

God calls Saint Peter into the office and says " Look were full Pete, so no more people are allowed in OK "
" What about the real tragic case God " Pete says
" OK but it must be really TRAGIC"says the Big man.
A few hours later Saint Peter hears the door bell at the pearly gates ring,
" How you doing mate"
"Well Saint Peter I've just died and want to come into heaven"
Pete looks at the man and says " Sorry but we are full up so unless you came to an end in a real tragic way you'll have to go down stairs mate "
" Oh it was tragic alright Saint Peter " and he tells his story,
" I've been married 25 years today , love my wife ,kids, dogs and of course God . So I ask my boss if I can leave work early to spend the afternoon with my lovely wife, He says OK, so on my way home I pick up some flowers for the wife . when I get to the flat on the tenth floor I get a feeling there is something wrong, I open the door walk into the living room and there is my wife naked legs a kimbo and she had obviously been having sex with someone. Well Saint PETE I call her all the names under the sun, Its all to much for me and on our 25th wedding anniversary as well, I run around the flat looking for the b$§%&/*d who had been S***ing my wife, I could'nt find him, well I was so distraught I decided to jump of the balcony and end it all. When I get to the balcony I see's a man hanging over the edge holding on with his fingers, SH** my wife would you , I run inside get my hammer and start to hit each finger inturn, You B*'##+*#*d I call out as I hit the man. After breaking all his fingers the man falls from the tenth floor and lands on a soft grassy bank, the B*#*#*#d is still alive, and I was still very angry, I go inside to find something really heave to through at him but the only thing I can find is the fridge, so I drag the fridge to the balcony and drop it on the mans head, He's dead and I killed him. I look at my slut of a wife I had killed a man over her , It's all to much for me, I climb up and jump of the balcony hit the fridge and die.Now I would say that is TRAGIC Saint Peter"
"that is Tragic come on in" Saint Pete says

Saint Peter is just about to leave for lunch when the bell sounds again.
"sorry we are full mate so you need to go down stairs my friend"
" but Saint Peter I died so TRAGICLY"
"thats differant" says Saint Pete "tell me how"
" well I've been a roofer all my life and I was working on this block of flats today when I slips and falls to an almost certain death , Now I love God so as I'm falling I pray for his help, well as I pass the tenth floor God gives me the strength to grab hold of the balcony and I'm saved . I am thanking God with a prayer Saint PETER when this nut case comes out of the flat says I'll teach you to S##G my wife you B'#+*##*d and then gets a hammer and brakes all my fingers. Well I fall ten floors Saint Peter I think I must die so I say another prayer to God and once again he dose not let me down, I land on a soft grassy bank but I'm still alive, as I'm thanking the Lord once more I can not believe my eyes, the nutter has pulled a fridge onto the balcony and F*#*#g drops it right on my head. I had no time to ask for Gods help and this time I die".
"Thats TRAGIC"says Saint PETER " come on in my son"


Saint Peter was just about to leave when the bell sounds again.
When he opens the gate there is a man standing there with no cloths on.
"This had better be good my friend " says Saint Peter to the man.
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
"Well Saint Peter I was naked hiding in this FRIDGE"