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A Homo goes to the doctors for a check up all goes well 4 days later the homo gets a call from the doctors asking if he can come back wednesday at 4:30v P.M when at the doctors he is told he has Aids the then franticly asks the Doctor what should he do the doctor says go out have 15 Pints then have a Vindaloo he than says to the doctor will that cure me the doctor says no!

But it will show what your arse is for

Prem teams, if they were women:

Arsenal - Jade (Big Brother)
No-one likes em.

Aston Villa - Dido
One big hit. Fairly inoffensive really.

Birmingham City - Maria Carey
Occasionally interesting, frequently annoying. Supporters are thick.

Blackburn Rovers - Melanie Sykes
Common as muck Lancy, constantly worrying.

Bolton Wanderers - Natalie Imbruglia
Always looks like she might go down but never does.

Charlton Athletic - Martine McCutcheon
Chirpy Cockney with the ability to spring a few surprises.



Everton - Barbara Windsor
Been laughing at those t1ts so long we forget that once upon a time
they actually looked quite good.

Fulham - Andrea Corr
Not bad to look at but not much of her. Seems a bit awestruck with
fame.

Leicester City - Patsy Palmer
Generally a bit crap and second rate really, but some people like
her.

Leeds United - Lisa Scott Lee
Dirty Lee

Liverpool - Sophie Ellis Bextor
Individually all the components look fantastic- just doesn't work when
put together.

Man City - Madonna
Have been big at times - now lost the plot a bit - ageing stars. Nice
new home though.

Man United - Jordan
Dominated by t1ts. Quite repulsive really.

Middlesborough - Tara Palmer Tompkinson
Can look quite good at the back - but nothing at all up front to
speak of.

Newcastle United - Christina Aguillera
Can look good. Various unsavoury elements though.

Portsmouth - Chrissie Hynde
On the face of it a has-been but you're quite interested in what
she's going to do next.

Southampton - Kylie Minogue
Sometimes you feel sorry for them, They're not huge and you've got a
bit of a soft spot.

Tottenham - Angelina Jolie
Look good, a bit maverick at times and you know they have the
potential to really screw you over.

Nice one Owdun, made I larf did that

Postman Pat's Last Day



It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole
family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way
with a gift cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold
box.

The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie.
She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she
blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him
a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, bacon, sausage, beans and
freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a
cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a five pound note
sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too
wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?"

"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I
asked him what to give you.

He said, "F**k him....Give him a fiver." & "The breakfast was my idea.

The Beer Scooter


This story explains a lot of things. !!!!
How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house.

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter. The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter

The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment.

This answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries), such as skinned knees and a sore spot on the top of your head.

An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for.

This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?' With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another's and quite often-lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time. Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tiptoe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity prings ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.

There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on the beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.

The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?" Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.

The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?"

After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs and set its nest on fire!"

Moral of the story........................never lie to girls!!!

How can you tell when a women is lying?





She opens her mouth.
thats not really a joke more of experience

What is a 6.9?

A good sex position spoiled by a period

A man from New York goes to Las Vegas for the weekend, hoping to turn a few hundred dollars into a few thousand. So he flies out and has a good time. However, all goes pearshaped and he looses all of his winnings. By the end of the weekend, all he is left with is a couple of dollars and the second half of a return plane ticket.

Coming out of the Casino, he is so dissapointed that he decides just to go straight to the airport and go home. So he waves down a taxi and asks how much it is for the airport. "$15 plus tip", came the reply

'But I only have $2.' Says the man. 'I tell you what. If you take me to the airport and give me your adress i'll send you the money through the post'

The driver looks at the man and tells him tho f@#k off and get out of his taxi. The man is left on his own, forcing him to walk the entire 10miles to the airport in apalling weather.

Over the next year, however, the man makes himself rich on the stockmarket in New York and decides to go back to Las Vegas to double his money. So he flies out and his lucky streak continues, leaving him with a lot of money to splash out on. He decides to fly straight back to New York so that he can invest his winnnings on the stockmarket.

Coming out of the Casino, he sees a long line of taxis. He also notices that in the very last taxi sits the same driver who told him to f@#k off, forcing him to walk to the airport the previous year. The mans stands there while he thinks of a way of getting his own back on the taxi driver. Eventually, he smiles and sets about to punish the driver.

The man gets into the first taxi and asks the driver how much it is to the airport. "$15" says the taxi driver. The man, pretending to be broke, takes a few cents out his his pocket and says, "but this is all I have". The taxi driver is about to tell him to get out when the man says "I tell you what, if you take me to the airport, ill suck your dick."

"get the f@#k out of my cab, you f@#k queer" comes the reply.

So the man gets out of the taxi and gets into the second one in the line, again pretending to be poor and offering to give the driver a suck. He gets thrown out again. He does the same in the 3rd taxi, the 4th, the 5th and so on. By the time he gets to the last taxi, he notices that all the other taxi drivers are standing around and angrilly talking to each other about what they had just heard.

"this is my chance", thinks the man, with a grin on his face.

So he gets into the last taxi, where the driver who told him to f@#k off the previous year was sitting and asks him how much to the airport. The driver says "$15 plus tip".

The man hands the driver $50 note and says "take this". The driver is delighted and drives off, with his face gleaming with joy. While they passed the other taxi drivers who where still talking, the man rolled down his window and popped his head out. All the taxi drivers just stare in disbelief as the man smiles and puts his thumb up.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

Seen this one before...not sure where.. so here goes


LETTER FROM A FARM KID NOW AT THE MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT IN SAN DIEGO.

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the
Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to
join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at
first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am
getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot
and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood
to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not
so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs,
bacon,etc.,but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried
eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can
always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus
yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long
walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him
different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home.
Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is
like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown.
They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with
laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The
bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it
ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do
is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own
cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they
break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about
the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in
Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130
pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers
get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Gail

A little girl from Liverpool is sitting watching the TV when the Fairy advert comes on. the advert finish's saying "leaves your hands soft and dish's clean". the little girl gets up from in front of the TV, goes running into see her mom and says "mom do you use Fairy?is that why your hands are soft?" and the mother replies "dont be stupid my hands are soft because im 14"

We discovered some time ago that amongst us booties there are a lot of Fathers of daughters, thought this might ring a few bells.

DAD's TEN RULES OF DATING* [Guys take note.]


Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
package, because you're sure not picking anything up.


Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so
long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep
your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.


Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to
wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their
hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your
friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded
about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door
with your underwear
Showing, and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object.
However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off
during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric
nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.


Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a
"Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it
comes
to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.


Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other,
we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.
Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an
indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my
house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"


Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you
will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If
you make her cry, I will make you cry.


Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
And more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be
on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting
on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden
Gate Bridge.
Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like
changing the oil in my car?


Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool.
Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding
hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough
to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or
anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka --
zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme
are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey
games are okay. Old folks' homes are better.


Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged,
dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the
all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are
going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five
acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.


Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the
sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice
paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in
my head frequently tell me to clean the guns, as I wait for you to bring
my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit
the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely
and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come
inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We
have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex
for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks
they returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his
office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired. "We are
terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for
the required month...." the young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him
what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult.... However, we
managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible,
but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week
was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible....
anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife
reached for a can of peas and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it
up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there."
admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be
welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man, hanging his head "We're not welcome at
Tesco's anymore, either..."