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Paddy and sean fancied a pint or two but didn't have much money, between then thae had 50p. Paddy said, "Hang on, I have an idea" He went next door to the butchers shop and came back with a very large sausage. Sean said, "Are you crazy? now we don't have any money at all" Paddy replies, "Don't worry, just follow me" They both went into the nearest pub and Paddy ordered two pints of Guiness and two shots of Jamieson's whisky. Sean said," Now you have really lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in, we haven't any money. Paddy replied, with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper, you go down on your knees and put it in your mouth", with this done, the barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out of the pub. They continued to do this stunt in a number of pubs, in the 10th pub Sean said to Paddy," I don't think I can do this any more o'this, I'm drunk and me knees are killing me. Paddy said to Sean, " How do you think I feel, I lost the sausage in the third pub. Bob

Another one from Frank........

Two women friends, incredibly drunk and walking home got caught short.
They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their
business behind a head stone or something.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her
panties and use them, then throw them away. Her friend however was wearing
a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was
lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of
the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. They then made off for
home.

The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and said "We'd
better keep an eye on our wives you know, mine came home last night
without her panties."

"That's nothing" said the other "Mine came back with a card stuck between
her ass that said
'From all the lads at the fire station. We'll never forget you'."

Cuckoo Clock.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls.I told my husband I would be home before midnight.
Well the hours passed and the champers was going down far too easily.
so,at 03.00hrs I headed home,drunk as a skunk.As I got in the door the Cuckoo clock started up and cuckoo,ed three times.Shit! He's going to wake up!So I cuckoo'ed another nine times.Really proud of coming up with such a smart solution even when pissed out of my mind I went to bed.
The next morning my husband asked what time I got home and I told him 12.00pm.He did'nt seem at all disturbed so I thought "Whew ,got away with that one".
Then he said"We need a new Cuckoo Clock".
"Why" I asked.
"Well last night our clock cuckoo'ed three times,then said oh Shit,cuckoo'ed another four times,cleared it's throat,cuckoo'ed another three times,giggled,cuckoo'ed twice more,tripped over the cat and farted.
Wholley

i like this thread



A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress."
"If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. Make love with him many times a week & satisfy his every whim."
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.

A little boy wanted $100.00 badly to buy a bike and prayed for 2 weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When Post Office received the letter to 'God, they decided to send it to Leader of the Country. The Leader  was so impressed, touched, and amused that he directed his Secretary to send the little boy a $50.00 bill. The Leader thought this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $50.00, and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read: 'Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through the state, and as usual, those bastards deducted $50.00!'

A well known American Golfer was invited to Estonia to play on there new golf course.

On arriving he to get rat ar*sed and ended up with a "Lady of the Night" in his hotel room.

He proceeded to have his wicked way with the Lady.
As he got into the job proper the Lady started to scream "Pusch Arder! Pusch Arder!"

So he grinned and Pushed harder.

The next day he had a hang over to die for. Anyway he was on the first tee and whacked the ball miles straight into the Hole. First hit and a hole in one!

The crowd started to shout "Pusch Arder! Pusch Arder!"

Confuse he turned to his playing partner and asked what Pusch Arder! Pusch Arder! meant.

"Wrong Hole! Wrong Hole!"

Artist

A family of Liverpool supporters heads out one Saturday morning to do their Christmas shoplifting. While in JBB Sports, the son picks up a Manchester United shirt and says to his ten year old sister: "I've decided to become a United supporter and I would like this for Christmas".
His sister, outraged by this, promptly whacks him round the head with her carton of Embassy Regal and says: "Go talk to Mum."
Off goes the little lad with the Manchester United shirt in hand and finds his mother. "Mum?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be a Manchester United supporter and I would like this shirt for Christmas".
The mother is outraged at this and throws her slippers and a full can of lager at him, promptly whacks him around the head and says: "lets go talk to your father."
Off they go to Walton Prison during visiting hours with the Man U. shirt in hand to speak to his Dad. "Dad?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be a Manchester United supporter and I would like this shirt for Christmas."
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head with his fists and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT" and then kicks him from one end of the visiting room to the other for further good measure. About half an hour later, they hotwire a Danny and head towards home. The mother turns to her son and says:
"Son, I hope you've learned something today?"
The son says: "Too bloody right I have."
"Good son, what is it?" The son replies:
"I've only been a Manchester United fan for an hour and already I hate you scouse b*stards."

Wrong bait

Why do more Glaswegians support Rangers than Celtic ?

It is easier to shout 'Fu** the Pope', than shout 'Fu** the Moderator of the General Assembly of the Church of Scotland'

Why do more Glaswegians support Rangers than Celtic ?

It is easier to shout 'Fu** the Pope', than shout 'Fu** the Moderator of the General Assembly of the Church of Scotland'

Nice one


An Irish priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks the priest if he has ever been fishing before, to which the priest says 'No'.
He baits the hook for the priest and says, 'Give it a shot father'.

After a few minutes, the priest hooks a fish and struggles to get it into the boat.

The fisherman catches a glimpse of it and says 'Whoa, look at the size of that f@#k!'

Priest: 'Uh, please, the lord is watching would you please mind your language?'

Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) 'I'm sorry father, but that's what the fish is called - a f@#k!'

Priest: 'Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know.' After the trip the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.

Priest: 'Look at this big f@#k'

Bishop: 'Please, mind your language, this is a house of God.'

Priest: 'No, you don't understand - that's what the fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this f@#k!'

Bishop: 'Hmmm. You know, I could clean this f@#k and we could have it for dinner.'

So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the Mother Superior.

Bishop: 'Could you please cook this f@#k for dinner tonight?'

Mother Superior: 'My Lord, what language!'

Bishop: ' No, sister, that's what the fish is called - a f@#k!, Father caught it, I cleaned, and we'd like you to cook it.'

Mother Superior: 'Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that f@#k tonight.'

Well the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.

Priest: 'I caught the f@#k!'

Bishop: 'And I cleaned the f@#k!'

Mother Superior: 'And I cooked the f@#k!'

There's absolute silence, and the Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then lets out a huge fart, takes off his hat, puts his feet on the table, lights up a cigarette, pours himself a large whisky and says, 'You know what? You c@#t are alright!



Oh and im a Glaswegian who is a celtic fan

The reason why we all should eat spinach.

http://www.1worldofjokes.com/Animated%2 ... popeye.gif

An American tourist in London found himself needing to take a slash something awful.After a long search he just could not find a public restroom anywhere.So he dived down a side street to take care of business.Just as he was unzipping Plod happens upon the scene.
"Wot's going on ere then?"I'm sorry Officer but I REALLY gotta take a leak.
"You can't do that here,"the officer told him."Look,follow me."
The officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass,pretty flowers and manicured hedges."Here,"said the policeman"Whizz away."
The American tourist shrugged,turned,unzipped and started p*ssing on the flowers."Ahhh he said in relief.Then turning to the officer,he said,"This is very nice of you.Is this British hospitality?"


"No"It's the French Embassy."

An old geezer in the old folks home took a fancy to an old lady who is also staying at the home. One day he gets up enough courage to tell her he wants to make love to her.
She agrees and suggests that when everyone else is gone for a day trip, they will stay behind and get to it.
He goes to her room on the day and asks her how she likes it. She says, "I used to like it when a man went down on me."
He says he would love to and goes for it.
After about 30 seconds he comes back up and says, "I'm sorry. I'm afraid I just can't go on. It smells rotten down there."
She says, "It must be my arthritis."
He looks at her and says, "Surely you can't get arthritis down there. And even if you could, it wouldn't cause that horrible smell."

She says, "No, my arthritis is in my shoulder and I can't wipe my ass."

An old country doctor went way out to the countryside to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

"Hit him again," the 5 year oldchild said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail all day. When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened.

"Buffalo come," remarked Tonto.

"How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger.

"Face sticky."