PILES, HOW DO YOU CURE THEM?

Allan Buckley · Post by **Allan Buckley** » Tue 22 Jul, 2003 10:12 am

Can attest to the pain of the operation , bloody hell but it does hurt , if it was a choice of a surgeon or a D I s pace stick I know whick I would choose
Away the boys
Allan

chunky from york · Post by **chunky from york** » Tue 22 Jul, 2003 8:22 pm

Allright Allan I give up, which would you choose ?

Artist · Post by **Artist** » Tue 22 Jul, 2003 8:58 pm

I'm sticking with the doc. Don't fancy Yorkie or Si creeping up behind me!

Aye Artist

sturgy · Post by **sturgy** » Tue 22 Jul, 2003 11:29 pm

Dance of the flaming arseholes is a cert to cure it. Just remember to have someone with a pint standing close by. Not to put the fire out, it's better to have a pint in your hand when you're pissing yourself laughing at someone elses misfortune!!!!

Patrick Stanley · Post by **Patrick Stanley** » Tue 12 Aug, 2003 2:57 pm

Well i looked at your question and had a good

.

There are more ways to skin a cat. You can have them treated in many ways. and if done in the right order it may not need the surgical intervention of the knife

.

see your Dr. he will look at the problem

and do one of two things.

1) Treat topicly CREAM.
2) Refer you to consultant.
2a) He can treat you in three ways.
2b) Treat topicly
2c) Inject with Phenol.
2d) Use the banding system ( place very tight elastic bands over the offending grape or grapes) leave band in situ and await nature to take its course. NOT LONG AND NOT VERY PAINFULL.
2e) surgery. followed with a spunge pack pushed up your ass

applying pressure to the bleeding area and remaining in place untill nature removes it

Get them done you will never look back :drinking:

best of luck

Pat Stanley

PS Please forgive any typo's cos I cant stop

I do hope this as helped. If you need any other further help re this question please drop me a line

Archie · Post by **Archie** » Tue 12 Aug, 2003 4:05 pm

Patrick Stanley wrote:2d) Use the banding system ( place very tight elastic bands over the offending grape or grapes) leave band in situ and await nature to take its course. NOT LONG AND NOT VERY PAINFULL.
:

Pardon my intrusion but when you put yon lacky bands on the excess dangly bits of young lambs, you can definitely see them wince as they bound away from you, looking for all the world as if someone has just got their dangly bits and put a VERY tight lacky band around them.

There is an upside though with Jonathan Edwards (the triple jumper) currently injured, you'd be a dead cert to take his place.

Picture it, Artist standing at the end of the run up, Barry with the band on its applicator;

Snap, Ouch, and he's off down the runway, a hop here, a step there and finally a crash and a wimper as he hits the sandpit.

Dmanton300 · Post by **Dmanton300** » Tue 12 Aug, 2003 4:25 pm

Archie wrote: Picture it, Artist standing at the end of the run up, Barry with the band on its applicator;

Snap, Ouch, and he's off down the runway, a hop here, a step there and finally a crash and a wimper as he hits the sandpit.

ROFLMAO! And of such perfect images are legends made!

Patrick Stanley · Post by **Patrick Stanley** » Tue 12 Aug, 2003 7:08 pm

MEDICLY speaking

I can't stop crying for the images pictured in my head of this guy with a banding machine

But it does work and is done under local or a general anaesthetic.. but who cares my arse is fine at the mo!

Sticky Blue · Post by **Sticky Blue** » Tue 12 Aug, 2003 7:09 pm

Archie... you are a sick man. My ribs are still hurting me! I had this image in my head of Artist bent over with his pussers RT kit on, pressed white shorts sat above his pussers pumps and the lacky band is applied from the end of a pace stick by a DL.
I'm off to phone the Olympic commitee... anyone for 'The pile Jump' team in the next Olympics?

Patrick Stanley · Post by **Patrick Stanley** » Tue 12 Aug, 2003 11:54 pm

I have been involved in the surgical removal of piles for many years now, and I can honestly say, in the NHS Trust I work in the patients have never complained about post op pain to me.

Admittedly they are still asleep when I last see them but dont let that put you off getting them CUT OFFFFF.

You get a free B.C.S this is a free waxing of the Back , Crack and sack so that the cling on's fail to get a good grip!

You are placed in the most (Ok one of the most embarrising positions you could ever find your self in) unless you know this guy better than me.

Your bits are strapped up out the way with a tape that is STRONGER than HBM. hense the waxing before operation and then the dog can really see the rabbit

The packing post surgery is usually done by some old POMA who alway's smiles when he inserts the sponge

god know's why. The last guy to do this job was an old D.I from lympstone. But do not let this put you off getting them sorted out.
Regards

Pat.

Artist · Post by **Artist** » Wed 13 Aug, 2003 8:01 pm

Banding indeed!

Archie hurry up and p*ss off to New Zealand, so's you can cavort with those knackerless friendly sheep.

The countdown has begun. A few weeks and Leighton hospital will have a new patient. Only worried about one thing mind, the doctors name. "SHIPMAN!" Just hope it is'nt the serial killer out on a day release course! (it wouldnt surprise me!)

Artist

Pilgrim Norway · Post by **Pilgrim Norway** » Wed 13 Aug, 2003 10:37 pm

Hoy Artist ....

I see that 'Arnie' is running for orifice ..... You can rename 'em T4 !

Andy O'Pray · Post by **Andy O'Pray** » Wed 13 Aug, 2003 10:48 pm

To be quite honest, I find this topic a complete pain in the ar@e. Sorry Artist, just couldn't resist.

Aye - Andy.

Mike · Post by **Mike** » Thu 14 Aug, 2003 2:44 am

The Misses and I are meeting up with Artist next Wednesday for a Pub lunch. If anyone wants to send me their remedies please do so, I will pass them on. I still think a bottle of Pussers and a red hot poker will do the job, the only problem I see is to gauge the right diameter of the end of the poker.... Too small and it could go straight through. Too large and it could change his stance for the rest of his life!
I do hope he recovers from this condition...SOON
It says much about this Forum that it has been a topic of conversation since Sat. December 14th 2002, there have been some 117 suggestions and remedies and a staggering 1742 people have viewed the topic..... now some statistician somewhere will come up with the fact, rightly or wrongly, that all British serving or Retired servicemen are Anally Retented!?
Aye

Artist · Post by **Artist** » Thu 14 Aug, 2003 11:27 am

Bloody hell Mike, me chalfonts are world famous! I may donate them to a worthy charity. people would surely pay to hang them on a wall. (the world famous Chalfonts of Artist, as seen (metaphorically speaking) on Mil Forums) Or sell them on E bay. Just imagine the money I could make!

Ref; Wednesday.

I will not be eating any such thing as Curry, Chillie Con Carnie. But will let you buy me a few wets as long as you dont lace them with Ex Lax.

Nearly had a relapse the other day, but, clenched me buttocks, set me jaw into that "ignore it and look tough" look and applied the soothing cream invented by an all round egg called Germoliod.

Am still avoiding such things as skipping, and the TRIPLE JUMP. (Archie, I really hate you!)

Am now definitley Anally retentive. But, in the nicest possible way of course.

Artist

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