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Can A Relationship Work And Be Healthy In The Military?

"Flying High" Discussions about the Royal Air Force.
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RAF_Throwaway
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Can A Relationship Work And Be Healthy In The Military?

#1 Post by RAF_Throwaway » Fri 26 May, 2017 6:28 pm

Hey guys, I'm so close to being in a relationship with this girl that I really like and she likes me, there's no doubt about it as we've talked about it previously but we've put anything on hold due to my career intentions, because I'm also the click of a button away from submitting my Air Force application. She's going to university and I'd be going into the Air Force. I don't believe this is just a teenage fling or friends with benefits thing - I believe we're both pretty serious about one another.

Can a relationship work and be good under those circumstances? I'd be stationed no where near her as the nearest base to her university is about 200 miles away and even then that would be assuming I'd be stationed at that base otherwise we're looking at double or possibly triple that distance. That is also after training of near 2 years where I would be 300-400 miles away for sure. I believe generally I'd work Mon-Friday and get 6 weeks leave a year. She would be following a university year structure obviously which I believe is September to early December, Christmas Break, January to June, Summer. University never appealed to me so I don't know too much about it.

I hope this doesn't come across rude but I'm not looking for answers like 'If you like her enough you'll make it work', I'm looking for opinions, experiences or solutions of any kind.

Appreciate all you do for those currently or who have previously served, thanks for the help in advance.

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Hyperlithe
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Re: Can A Relationship Work And Be Healthy In The Military?

#2 Post by Hyperlithe » Tue 30 May, 2017 9:06 am

My ex was based in Germany while I was in London - we could see each other every weekend for 5 weeks, or not at all for 6 depending on our schedules, but we spoke or texted every day we were together until he got deployed, and then we were obviously restricted to one phone call a week and emails when the wifi worked.

A friend of mine's bf while she was in training was at uni quite a distance away. She went down to see him most weekends she could, but he very rarely came up to visit her because his PhD work was quite demanding. Then when he joined up and went through the same training she had, and she was in her first posting, somehow she ended up still being the one doing all the driving...

It's a lot of work, but you put the effort in because you both believe it's worth it. You have to set ground rules in advance, it won't work if one of you feels like they're making more effort than the other. You'll likely have more income than her so might expect to do most of the travelling, and she may have weekends where she can't give you her full attention because she has an assignment to do, so you're probably best leaving her to it and being supportive by phone. You'll get weekends where you have to work, maybe at short notice, and she can't give you grief for that as it's work and that's just the way it is. These (and more) are all things you need to discuss. There are support networks out there for her though if she wants to discuss anything with other ladies who know how it feels - British Forces Sweethearts for one.
Good luck!
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Re: Can A Relationship Work And Be Healthy In The Military?

#3 Post by RAF_Throwaway » Tue 30 May, 2017 11:37 am

Hyperlithe wrote:
Tue 30 May, 2017 9:06 am
My ex was based in Germany while I was in London - we could see each other every weekend for 5 weeks, or not at all for 6 depending on our schedules, but we spoke or texted every day we were together until he got deployed, and then we were obviously restricted to one phone call a week and emails when the wifi worked.

A friend of mine's bf while she was in training was at uni quite a distance away. She went down to see him most weekends she could, but he very rarely came up to visit her because his PhD work was quite demanding. Then when he joined up and went through the same training she had, and she was in her first posting, somehow she ended up still being the one doing all the driving...

It's a lot of work, but you put the effort in because you both believe it's worth it. You have to set ground rules in advance, it won't work if one of you feels like they're making more effort than the other. You'll likely have more income than her so might expect to do most of the travelling, and she may have weekends where she can't give you her full attention because she has an assignment to do, so you're probably best leaving her to it and being supportive by phone. You'll get weekends where you have to work, maybe at short notice, and she can't give you grief for that as it's work and that's just the way it is. These (and more) are all things you need to discuss. There are support networks out there for her though if she wants to discuss anything with other ladies who know how it feels - British Forces Sweethearts for one.
Good luck!
Thanks for that reply. It's reassuring to hear it can be done. I agree if we go somewhere with us then we'll have a lot of talking and discussing to do, again, thank you! :)

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Re: Can A Relationship Work And Be Healthy In The Military?

#4 Post by Becxx » Sat 05 Aug, 2017 11:08 pm

Hi,

Sorry for the late reply. Have you applied yet? 😊

I met my current boyfriend roughly 5 months ago and we've been together for about 2 of those. I knew from the get go that he was going to be deployed on a 4 month Out of Area at the end of July and wasn't sure how I would cope with this.

Normally he is based 150 miles away from me and his home town is 170 miles in the other direction.. so a long way. I wasn't expecting to be able to see him every weekend and I came to terms with this straight away.. apart from the fact I don't think it's healthy to spend all your time with the same person (you need to go out with other friends too) I'd just come out of a long term relationship where I lived and worked with the guy and it was ultimately the demise of us.. I see him roughly every 2 weeks and we really make the most of bank holidays and having long weekends together, he is able to Book me onto his base so I stay in his room for the weekend (not sure if this is the same everywhere). We make plans in advance and always try and fit some fun activities in together.. luckily we both drive so we share the driving and alternate between me going up to him and him coming down here.

His OOA is the falklands, roughly 8000 miles away with limited access to the internet/phone. He's currently been gone 2 weeks and we have another 15 to go!! So far however we've managed to talk most nights, albeit a couple of messages at a time.. I think the main thing is that you have to make the effort, you know it would be very easy for someone to think 'well he's away so I'll leave him to it' but any decent relationship is definitely worth, for instance, staying up until midnight each night so I can send him my one message a night when he finishes work (due to the time difference).

I think the main thing would be for you to be there for her on the phone if you were so far away and make use of weekends and holidays as and when like I do. It may be that you can book holiday when you know she'll be off, surprise her by sending her a bunch of flowers occasionally to let you know you're thinking of her or turning up one Friday evening (if you can) to surprise her. It's definitely tough, but you'll both have to be willing to work at it and understand that it's going to be hard but at the end of the day if it's meant to be it will be and if you can survive basic training etc and she sticks by you, she's definitely a keeper!!

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