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Three prostitutes all in the same family, the daughter who charges £40 for a blow job, the mother who charges £80 for a blow job and the grandmother who is just glad of the drink.
Two gay guys sat having a drink, one has just lost his lover and chops him up in to little pieces and eats him. The other guy says what did you do that for?. To which he replys i just wanted to feel him dribble out my ass one last time.
A couple go on holiday, the husband really likes fishing but his wife hates it. One day he goes to her and says right you have three choices you can either come fishing for the day, give me a blow job or take it up the ass. He goes off to sort out he tackle. She thinks 'i really hate fishing and i'm certianly not taking it up the ass' so she decides to give him a blow job when he returns she goes down on him. Then she pulls away and says god your dick tastes like shit, he says the dog didn't want to go fishing either.
<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: nomad on 2002-03-13 08:23 ]</font>
Two gay guys sat having a drink, one has just lost his lover and chops him up in to little pieces and eats him. The other guy says what did you do that for?. To which he replys i just wanted to feel him dribble out my ass one last time.
A couple go on holiday, the husband really likes fishing but his wife hates it. One day he goes to her and says right you have three choices you can either come fishing for the day, give me a blow job or take it up the ass. He goes off to sort out he tackle. She thinks 'i really hate fishing and i'm certianly not taking it up the ass' so she decides to give him a blow job when he returns she goes down on him. Then she pulls away and says god your dick tastes like shit, he says the dog didn't want to go fishing either.
<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: nomad on 2002-03-13 08:23 ]</font>
-
harry hackedoff
- Member
- Posts: 14415
- Joined: Tue 19 Feb, 2002 12:00 am
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago
Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer
Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's your best friend
Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: She's a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago
Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer
Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's your best friend
Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: She's a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do
-
harry hackedoff
- Member
- Posts: 14415
- Joined: Tue 19 Feb, 2002 12:00 am
Evening all,
Guy takes his missus out for a pint. They go into a pub and as they walk along the bar, a voice comes out of a bowl of peanuts"ooh your lovely you are madam, what a lovely frock" They both look at eachother and carry on down the bar. As they pass the ciggy machine a voice comes out of that too."Oi, fat bastard, where did you get that old slapper?"
The guy complains to the barman who explains"I`m awfully sorry abouy that, sir, the peanuts are complimentary but the ciggy machine is out of order"
yours Harry
Guy takes his missus out for a pint. They go into a pub and as they walk along the bar, a voice comes out of a bowl of peanuts"ooh your lovely you are madam, what a lovely frock" They both look at eachother and carry on down the bar. As they pass the ciggy machine a voice comes out of that too."Oi, fat bastard, where did you get that old slapper?"
The guy complains to the barman who explains"I`m awfully sorry abouy that, sir, the peanuts are complimentary but the ciggy machine is out of order"
yours Harry
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the
time she brings it.
----------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman
who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to
support you.
>----------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary
things" that allows them to stand closer to the I'M A SCAMMER SPAMMER!!! sink.
----------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts
her sentence with "A man once told me..."
>----------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
>----------------------------------------
Why do men break wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long
enough to build up the required pressure.
----------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front
door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let
him in.
>----------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's
told.
>--------------------------------------
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
----------------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
---------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
>----------------------------------------
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
>----------------------------------------
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said,
"Dust!"
>----------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and
rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
>------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
----------------------------------------
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said,
"I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish
I had your willpower."
----------------------------------------
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every
country, son.
----------------------------------------
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: Wife Wanted." The next day
he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have
mine."
>----------------------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
>----------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
time she brings it.
----------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman
who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to
support you.
>----------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary
things" that allows them to stand closer to the I'M A SCAMMER SPAMMER!!! sink.
----------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts
her sentence with "A man once told me..."
>----------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
>----------------------------------------
Why do men break wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long
enough to build up the required pressure.
----------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front
door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let
him in.
>----------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's
told.
>--------------------------------------
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
----------------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
---------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
>----------------------------------------
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
>----------------------------------------
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said,
"Dust!"
>----------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and
rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
>------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
----------------------------------------
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said,
"I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish
I had your willpower."
----------------------------------------
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every
country, son.
----------------------------------------
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: Wife Wanted." The next day
he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have
mine."
>----------------------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
>----------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant Marines. They come to the bar and order five bottles of beer and ten glasses. They take their order over and sit down at a large table. The caps are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon three more Marines arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more Marines show up and soon their voices are are joined in raising the roof, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally the tenth Marine comes in with a picture under his arm, he walks over to the table, and sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts.
Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the cookie monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit the bartender asks one of the Marines, "Whats all the chanting and celebration about?"
The Marine who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that Marines are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought this puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days."
Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the cookie monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit the bartender asks one of the Marines, "Whats all the chanting and celebration about?"
The Marine who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that Marines are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought this puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days."
<>Army Official Voice Mail Message
;Thank you for calling the British Army. Im sorry, but all of our units are either out, financially embarrassed, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message stating your, country, organization, region, the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you. You will have to accept reverse charges as were are strapped for cash. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Northern Ireland, the Millennium Bug, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London and compulsory Equal Opportunities training, we will return your call.
;Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following numbers.
If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press 1 for the Royal Marines.
If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate and good hotels and can be solved by 1 or 2 low risk bombing runs, please press
Hash&1# for the Royal Air Force.
Please note this service is not available after 1630 hrs, or at weekends.
If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of Grey funnel, bunting, flags or a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the First Sea Lord, The Admiralty, Whitehall.
If your enquiry is not urgent, please press 2 for the Allied Rapid Reaction Corps.'
If you are in real hot trouble please press 3 and your call will be routed to Sandline International.
If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, have premature arthritis, be paid little for protecting your countrymen or any other sponging foreigner that seeks asylum here, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, be prepared to work your **** off daily, risking your life in all weathers and terrain, both day and night, whilst watching the Treasury eroding your original terms and conditions of service, then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be connected to a bitter passes-over Recruiting Sergeant in a grotty shop down by the railway station.
Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the British Army.
<>
;Thank you for calling the British Army. Im sorry, but all of our units are either out, financially embarrassed, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message stating your, country, organization, region, the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you. You will have to accept reverse charges as were are strapped for cash. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Northern Ireland, the Millennium Bug, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London and compulsory Equal Opportunities training, we will return your call.
;Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following numbers.
If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press 1 for the Royal Marines.
If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate and good hotels and can be solved by 1 or 2 low risk bombing runs, please press
Hash&1# for the Royal Air Force.
Please note this service is not available after 1630 hrs, or at weekends.
If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of Grey funnel, bunting, flags or a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the First Sea Lord, The Admiralty, Whitehall.
If your enquiry is not urgent, please press 2 for the Allied Rapid Reaction Corps.'
If you are in real hot trouble please press 3 and your call will be routed to Sandline International.
If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, have premature arthritis, be paid little for protecting your countrymen or any other sponging foreigner that seeks asylum here, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, be prepared to work your **** off daily, risking your life in all weathers and terrain, both day and night, whilst watching the Treasury eroding your original terms and conditions of service, then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be connected to a bitter passes-over Recruiting Sergeant in a grotty shop down by the railway station.
Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the British Army.
<>
Joke
The Mrs said to me, "Kiss me where it smells"................I took her to Port Talbot.
-
Yorkie Malone
- Member
- Posts: 705
- Joined: Fri 14 Dec, 2001 12:00 am
- Location: Lamerton, Tavistock
This is not for the faint hearted, but being a true bootneck you will HAVE to have a go??!!??
Log on to the site below and the same as I was told.
Look carefully at the room and really study it, there is a glaring mistake. but if you turn up the sound then eventually it will tell you where the fault is.
I thought it was rather good.
http://home.attbi.com/~n9ivo/whatswrong.swf
I got it from the articfox so don't shoot the messenger
SyY
Log on to the site below and the same as I was told.
Look carefully at the room and really study it, there is a glaring mistake. but if you turn up the sound then eventually it will tell you where the fault is.
I thought it was rather good.
http://home.attbi.com/~n9ivo/whatswrong.swf
I got it from the articfox so don't shoot the messenger
SyY
The Blind Rabbit
One morning a rabbit was hopping down a trail when it tripped
over a snake,"O please forgive,"said the rabbit "I didn,t see you, I,m blind,"
"Thats ok" said the snake "it was my fault.you see I,m blind also"by the
way what kind of animal are you?"
"I dont know" said the rabbit "I,ve never seen myself,Maybe you could
examine me and find out"
so with that the snake felt the rabbit all over,the he said "Well your soft,
and cuddly,you have long silky ears,a fluffy tail,and a twitchy nose,
So you must be a RABBIT"
So the rabbit said "thank you, but by the way what kind are you?"
the snake replied that he didn,t know,so with that the rabbit examined the snake,after the rabbit had finish the snake said"WELL what am I?",
So the rabbit said "Your hard and cold,your very slimy,and you don,t
have any balls,you must be a LAWYER".
over a snake,"O please forgive,"said the rabbit "I didn,t see you, I,m blind,"
"Thats ok" said the snake "it was my fault.you see I,m blind also"by the
way what kind of animal are you?"
"I dont know" said the rabbit "I,ve never seen myself,Maybe you could
examine me and find out"
so with that the snake felt the rabbit all over,the he said "Well your soft,
and cuddly,you have long silky ears,a fluffy tail,and a twitchy nose,
So you must be a RABBIT"
So the rabbit said "thank you, but by the way what kind are you?"
the snake replied that he didn,t know,so with that the rabbit examined the snake,after the rabbit had finish the snake said"WELL what am I?",
So the rabbit said "Your hard and cold,your very slimy,and you don,t
have any balls,you must be a LAWYER".
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned
from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.
He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for
London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the
length of the train, looking for an empty seat.
The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed
middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war
weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed
and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people.
Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but
after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself
again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very
tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans!
Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up
the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat
down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend
her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You
know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the
wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You
drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir,
you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.
He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for
London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the
length of the train, looking for an empty seat.
The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed
middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war
weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed
and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people.
Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but
after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself
again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very
tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans!
Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up
the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat
down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend
her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You
know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the
wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You
drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir,
you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
JoKES
A ventriloquist was walking down a welsh country lane,when he came
across a farmer with some of his animals, a horse,a dog,and a sheep.
The ventriloquist thinks "Ill have some fun here".so he says to the farmer
"do you mind if i talk to your animals",
The Farmer looks at him and says "dont be stupid they can,t talk"
So with that the ventriloquist strokes the horses nose and says
"Hello Mr horse how are you?".and the reply came back"I,m fine thank
you",The farmer stood back amazed. Then the ventriloquist said "is this
your owner?", the horse says "yes, he treats me good,and feeds me,grooms me and rides me now and again for exersise," The farmer
is bumb struck.
then the ventriloquist turns to the dog and says "Hello Mr dog",the dog
replies "Hello" again the farmer is astounded, the ventriloquist said "is this your owner",and the dog replies,"yes he treats me well,he feeds me ,he washes me,and everywhere he goes he takes me with him."
Then the ventriloquist turns to the sheep,strokes his head and says
"Hello Mr Sheep"and before he could say anything else the farmer said "Don,t take any notice of that sheep he tells bloody lies".
across a farmer with some of his animals, a horse,a dog,and a sheep.
The ventriloquist thinks "Ill have some fun here".so he says to the farmer
"do you mind if i talk to your animals",
The Farmer looks at him and says "dont be stupid they can,t talk"
So with that the ventriloquist strokes the horses nose and says
"Hello Mr horse how are you?".and the reply came back"I,m fine thank
you",The farmer stood back amazed. Then the ventriloquist said "is this
your owner?", the horse says "yes, he treats me good,and feeds me,grooms me and rides me now and again for exersise," The farmer
is bumb struck.
then the ventriloquist turns to the dog and says "Hello Mr dog",the dog
replies "Hello" again the farmer is astounded, the ventriloquist said "is this your owner",and the dog replies,"yes he treats me well,he feeds me ,he washes me,and everywhere he goes he takes me with him."
Then the ventriloquist turns to the sheep,strokes his head and says
"Hello Mr Sheep"and before he could say anything else the farmer said "Don,t take any notice of that sheep he tells bloody lies".
