Joke

[barrybudden]

There is a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a
woman on board.

The headquarters in the US calls:

"Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 to the television screen."

He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1,
increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the
reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases
the oxygen.

A few moments later…

Headquarters calls again: "Monkey number 2, monkey number 2 to the
television screen."

He sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop
the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel
compartment and to analyse the solar radiation.

So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the
nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.



A little later on, headquarters calls again:



"Woman, please woman approach the screen."
She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she
says.....



"I know I know!! Feed the monkeys, dont touch anything."

[BullDog]

Quote of the year

In a recent interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he didn't think there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harboured and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

He said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting."

[Nomad]

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?" his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride. "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."

[Leigh Dowell]

A Para dies and is stood at the pearly gates, St Peter comes out to meet him with a clip board, reads down a page and says "You've lived a good life, served your country and died for what you believed in, welcome to heaven.What is your desire?"
The Para looks confused and asks "What do you mean by that?"
St Peter replies" Heaven is what you make of it, What is your idea of heaven?"
" Anywhere there aren't any bloody Royal Marines" comes the reply.
With a wave of his hand St Peter transports them both to a beautiful lake with perfect weather, a beach,snow topped mountains in the distance and beautiful women walking around in bikinis.
" This is perfect, but you are sure there are no bootnecks here?"
" Absolutely" replies St Peter.
Just then they both hear the unmistakeable sound of an outboard motor at full tilt and look across the lake to see a rigid raider skimming across the water driven by a man wearing a green lid.
" You lying bastard!" cries the Para " Of all the people I've met I didn't think you would lie to me, thats's a bloody Royal Marine out there!"
" I didn't lie to you" replies St Peter, "That's not a Royal Marine that's god, he just thinks he's one!"

[John_D]

"Borrowed From A Friend"
-----------------------
An older jewish gentleman marries a younger
lady,and they are deeply in love.
However,no matter what the husband does
sexually,the woman never achieves organism.

Since a jewish wife demands sexual pleasure,
they decide to ask the Rabbi for advice.
The Rabbi listens to their story,and makes
the following suggestion.

Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love,
have the young man wave a towel over you.
as though he his fanning you both,
Make sure he is totally naked and she can
see his manhood as he fans you both with the
towel, that should help the wife to fantasise
and should bring on a full blown oranism.

They go home and follow the Rabbi,s advice,
and they hire a handsome young man and
he strips off and enthusiastically waves
the towel over them both as they make love.

But it does n,t help,and still the wife
is unsatisfied and frustated,
perplexed they go back to the Rabbi.
Ok said the Rabbi, Lets try the reverse,have the young man make love to your wife and
you wave the towel over them.

Once again they follow the Rabbi,s advice,
The young man gets into the bed with the
wife,and the husband waves the towel.
The hired hand really works with great
enthusiasm and the wife soon has an
enormous room shaking screaming organism.

Smiling the husband drops the towel,raps the lad on the head and says to him triumphantly
"THATS HOW YOU WAVE A F$%£ING TOWEL"

[Rotary Booty]

A Company of the Parachute Regiment were marching down a road when they passed a Royal Marine Commando sat on a 6 foot high wall. Hey paras, he shouted, any 6 of you over the wall now! 6 of the paras jumped over the wall and there was the sound of a major punch up going on. The Royal appeared back on the wall. Hey paras, any 10 of you, over the wall now. 10 paras jumped over the wall and another punch up took place. Back came the Royal again... hey paras , any 15 of you! Over jumped 15 more paras. After a few minutes a para appeared at the top of the wall bleeding and battered, Don't come over here he shouted, it's a trap, there's two of them!!

[BullDog]

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons", where:

: ) means a smile and
: ( is a frown. Well, how about some "assicons"? Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass





<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: bulldog on 2002-02-18 08:33 ]</font>

[Nomad]

There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.
" My God, Pepe" says the first bloke. "It's a bacon tree !!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right" says Pepe, "Praise the Lord !"
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
The first bloke quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe, Pepe - what the hell happened?"
...."Ugh... it wasn't a
Bacon tree .............

.............It was a


Ham bush.................."

[Archie]

A smalltown fireman is working on the fire engine outside the fire station one day when he notices the little girl who lives next door playing in her garden. Her Dad has made her a beautiful little fire engine style cart. It's bright red and has a little ladder on one side and a hose on the other. The fireman strolls over for a closer look and sees that for a power source she has tied her dog and her cat to the front of the cart. The dog has a piece of string tied to his collar whilst the cat has a loop of string tied tight around his testicles.
The fireman says "Pardon me for mentioning it, but i think your fire engine would be a lot faster if you tied that string to the cats collar"
The little girl looked up and replied "But if I did that, then i wouldn't have a siren"



Quote of the year...

"If it aint broke, keep fixing it till it is" (Homer Simpson)

[Archie]

A bootnecks wife is at her local Ann Summers Sex toy party, where she sees a
"Blowjob Frog" for sale. It turns out that these frogs have been specially bred for the purpose. As she is not all that keen on playing the Pink Piccolo herself, she gets it as a present for him. He is delighted and disappears upstairs to try it out.
Some time later she hears a commotion in the I'M A SCAMMER SPAMMER!!! and rushes in only to find her naked husband standing in front of the cooker with the frog in his hand. Alarmed, she demands to know what is going on.
He tells her "If this frog can cook, you're out of here."

[Yorkie Malone]

I wrap my tongue around it,
and lick it all about.
But when I get to the white
creamy stuff I spit the bu****r out.

How do you eat your cream egg?

[harry hackedoff]

Q Why do Kiwi men marry Kiwi women?
A Because sheep can`t cook!

Q What`s the differance between Australia and a two hundred year old pot of yoghurt?
A After two hundred years, the yoghurt would have developed it`s own culture!

[harry hackedoff]

A class of lively five year olds were being asked simple mental arithmatic questions by a young student teacher.
"Tell me, boys and girls, Farmer Brown is walking in his field one day and sees five crows in a tree, if he shoots one with his big shotgun, how many crows will be left? Hands up please" Well, the children all put their hands up and wait to be asked.
"Sally,can you tell me how many are leftin the tree?"
"Please Miss, there are four crows left, Miss"
"Very good, Sally, Tommy, what answer do you have?"
"Miss, there are four left in the tree, Miss"
"Very good Tommy"
This goes on for a while and then the nineteen year old asks if any one has a differant answer and one young lad shouts out
"None, Miss"
"None Johnnie, how do you work that out?"
"Well, Miss, after Farmer Brown shoots the first crow, the other four aren`t going to hang about are they?"
"Thats not the right answer,Johnnie, but it was a good try and I like the way you think"
"Well Miss, I have a question for you,"
"O.K. Johnie, ask away,"
"There are three women who are all eating a banana,one is taking really small nibbles, one is taking great big bites and the third is not bitting at all. She is sliding the whole banana into and out of her mouth while making loud sucking noises, then she proceeds to lick the banana all over paying particular attention to the end before sliding it in and out again. My question is which of the three women is married?"
The young teacher is quite shocked and a deep blush appears on her face as she thinks"surely he can`t mean,no, no, he`s only five.Well there`s nothing for it but to answer him"
"Johnnie, is the one who is sucking the banana the woman who is married?"
"No Miss, the one who is wearing the wedding ring is the one who is married,but it was a good try and I like the way you think!"
Made I laugh
yours Aye H.H.

[Archie]

In the small outback farming town of Notalotofwonga, two aussie blokes, Wayne and Bruce, are sitting on the veranda outside the pub one afternoon when a van pulls up on the other side of the street outside an empty shop. A small bespectacled man gets out and unloads the vans' contents into the shop. For the next three days Wayne and Bruce watch as the man renovates the shop. Finally the man puts up a sign above the door of the shop proclaiming "Taxidermist".

"What's a taxidermist mate?" Wayne asks Bruce. "I dunno mate, but I'm gonna go on over and find out." Bruce replies and strolls across to the shop. After a short conversation with the man Bruce returns, and sits down again. "Well?" asks Wayne.
"Its OK mate, he's one of us" comes the reply.

[thokenda]

Inner strength.

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same old food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you
When, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If can can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,


Then,



You are probably a dog.