Air traffic to Pilot Radio Exchanges!

[Hostage_Negotiator]

Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of
actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

“Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was
running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one
engine shut down."Ah," the fighter pilot remarked,

"The dreaded seven-engine approach"

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Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war"

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified
our caterers."

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.

The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in
the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8
parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect
one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with
some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."

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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong
turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned
right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get
it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect
progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you,
and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller
in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[Jeg]

ahh, that was good.

I needed a laugh, and you provided. Cheers.

[got1]

Nice one HN.

[Wholley]

After a particularly hard landing the Captain had to wish the debarking passengers"Goodbye and thank's for flying Continental"
All went well and he figured he'd got away with a terrible landing.
Until A little old lady,The last to leave the aircraft asked him
"Young man,Did we land or were we shot down?"

[Rotary Booty]

When I was stationed at RAF Laarbruch in Germany we had Tornado and Jaguar squadrons based there. There was always a 'healthy' rivalry between the two.

Heard on ATC one day:

ATC to Tornado: "Be aware there is a fast jet in your 11 o'clock position, 1 mile".

Tornado pilot to ATC: "Visual.......... no it isn't a fast jet, it's a Jaguar".

Rotary

[KiwiBen]

Heard this once, made me giggle a bit.

BA 123 to Bombay tower "Bombay control this is BA 123 on approach, what is our runway number this morning?"

Bombay tower to BA 123 (in very indian type voice) "BA 123 we are so very pleased to have you here to land in Bombay, welcome to India! You may use any runway you like today"

BA 123 to Bombay tower "Thank you Bombay control, can you be more specific please? Runway 1,2 or 3?"

Bombay tower to BA 123 "BA 123 you may use any runway you like today, we are so very pleased to have you here today! Use any runway you like today, you are now cleared to land on any runway"

BA 123 to Bombay tower "Right......thank you Bombay control, we are now lining up on approach to runway two"

Bombay tower to BA 123 "Very good BA 123 we will see you on the ground shortly, you are clear to use runway two!"

BA 123 to Bombay tower "BOMBAY CONTROL! WHAY IS THERE A PLANE ON RUNWAY TWO???? WE ARE PULLING UP!"

Bombay tower to BA 123 " Oh dear dear me! I think it's going to be one of those mondays again!"

Aye Benjo