Romance Scottish Style
New research delivers an enlightening insight into the sex life of the
Scottish male.
Preparation:
Friday night is very much love night for the Scottish man. Arriving
back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Scottish
aphrodisiac 12 pints of heavy, a white pudding supper and three
pickled onions his mind is set on one thing: love. His lust at fever
pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard night's dominoes, he
approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of
passion, 'Any chance of ra nookie?' The good lady in question,
perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of stale beer or the
sensuous vision of pickled onions sticking to his chin, is at first
somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the
flirtatious reply, 'Awaity fcuk ya bam.'
Foreplay:
Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the
male casting off his lightly soiled Y fronts provocatively at his
wife, usually landing skid mark down, as he approaches the bed and
singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant, 'Here we go, here we go,
here we go.' Upon reaching the bed, he comments proudly on his
rampant 8 inches. This is a classic example of alcohol induced
double vision.
Initial problems:
After 12 pints, sometimes the man's Wee Willie Winkle is a trifle
reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a
blow to the man's self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful.
She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as,
'Ya useless bastard,' or possibly, 'It never happens tae ra
milkman.'
Fellatio:
Oral sex is a great favorite with the Scotsman. He approaches his
wife with a cheeky invitation, 'Howl ya like to put yer teeth roon
this?' The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her
falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler. 'Go on yersel,' she
says, 'jist dinnae disturb me.'
Down to business:
Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again,
alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man
decides which of his willies to use. Sometimes in his excitement,
he may suffer from premature ejaculation, a phenomenon he explains
to his wife using the poetic phrase, 'Fcuk me, I've shot ma load.'
If this does occur, it is essential he makes up for disappointing
his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as informing
her she's the nicest woman he's ever come across. An imaginative
lover, the Scotsman, possibly having read that women like to be
spoken to dirty, says such things as, 'Shite, arsehole.' The woman
is speechless.
The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as, 'Are you sure it's in?' Given his level of sexual expertise, the Scotsman's ideal partner
should be a versatile lover specializing in the faked orgasm. This
takes the form of a breathless shout, 'Ooyah, ooyah, gallus big
man.' Eventually it's all over. The man rolls over, wipes his manhood
on her nightie, falls asleep and commences snoring like a pig.
There's no one in the world that performs quite like a Scotsman. A
veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.
