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Discussions about those units who make up the Commando’s.
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Ste Preece
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BMW

#1756 Post by Ste Preece » Tue 26 Aug, 2008 12:52 pm

A day from the diary of a BMW driver...

"The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my
motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars.

First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow
down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into
a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my
motorway!

The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and
honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.

Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW
lane.

Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph
enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I
noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane
of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!

Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my
headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my
motorway and to get out of my way.

Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that,
but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind
me!

He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run
him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get
onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my
excellent car.

Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the
man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my
car goes fast!

Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I
had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to
have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're Â
£20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station
said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn
the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so
they will take it off me!

See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a
BMW!

Cheers

Steve
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Ste Preece
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Age Concern

#1757 Post by Ste Preece » Mon 08 Sep, 2008 9:43 am

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.

She put’s an ad in the local paper that read:

"HUSBAND WANTED:- MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
& MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON."

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she
opened
the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a
wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are
you?
Just look at you...you have no legs! '
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently,
'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell, didn't I?'



Cheers

Steve
Steven Preece
Author of:
Amongst The Marines
Always A Marine
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AJtothemax
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#1758 Post by AJtothemax » Mon 08 Sep, 2008 12:26 pm

Little guy sits at a bar when suddenly a thug smacks him in face n says "that's KUNG FU from China".
A bit later the thug smacks him again and says "thats a KARATE CHOP from Japan".
The little guy gets up and leaves.
A short time later he returns and smacks the thug knocking him out cold and says to the barman "when that c*nt wakes up, tell him that was a SHOVEL from B&Q"
AJ

"First with your head and then with your heart. Don't stop."

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AJtothemax
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#1759 Post by AJtothemax » Mon 08 Sep, 2008 12:26 pm

In the Inverness job centre, a man sees a vacancy for a Gynaecologist's assistant.
He asks for more details and is thrilled to learn that his duties are to prepare the ladies as follows:
1) Remove their underwear.
2)Wash and shave their nether regeions.
3) Rub oil on the shaved areas.

Salery is £55,000.
He is then told to go to Plymouth.
"Oh why is that where the job is?" he asks.
The answer comes back "No, thats where the back of the f*ckin queue is!"
AJ

"First with your head and then with your heart. Don't stop."

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AJtothemax
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#1760 Post by AJtothemax » Mon 08 Sep, 2008 12:27 pm

Bloke goes to buy a talking dog. He gets there and the dog says "alright mate?"
Guy says "f@#k hell, seen it all now!"
Dog says "I've won crufts 5 times, been on t.v, in films, sniffed out explosives in Iraq & run 8 marathons"
Guy says to the owner "Why you sellin him then?"
Owner says "Cos he's a lying c*nt!".
AJ

"First with your head and then with your heart. Don't stop."

sportbilly42
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#1761 Post by sportbilly42 » Fri 24 Oct, 2008 11:24 pm

Spurs jokes...... (do they really need external help on the 'funny' side) .....


News Flash..

All premiership football games have been called off this weekend while the police investigate 'irregular betting patterns'

Apparently someone has put a fiver on Spurs to win.....

===========================================



While out jogging in a park near White Hart Lane last night, I spotted Darren Bent, Ledley King and Aaron Lennon all having a game of football with a hedgehog!!

I was disgusted and would have phoned the RSPCA to report them, but then I noticed that the hedgehog was winning 3-1
(boom, boom)

davidemmerson

#1762 Post by davidemmerson » Sat 25 Oct, 2008 8:28 pm

A bloke walks into a pub and tells everyone,

"Want to see a dancing duck?". Everyone says yes, so he gets out a duck dancing on the top of the tin can. Evrybody marvells at the duck all day, and the barmen says to the bloke,

"Can I buy it? This will pull loads of people into my pub"

"Sure" comes the reply "£20". The barman agrees and gives the duck prime viewing, in an attempt to attract more customers. All night the duck dances away on the tin can, tapping away. Right through last orders and locking up. Tap. Tap, tap, tap. The barman decides that the duck will eventualy stop and goes to bed. But all he can hear upstairs is tap, tap, tap. So he goes downstairs and watches, unblieving that this duck is still going. Worried, herings up the bloke who sold it to him.

"Why won't the duck stop?" he asks, "It's been going for ages!"

"Oh, sorry forgot to tell you. You need to lift up the can and blow the candle out!!"

Boom Boom.

Sorry.

lannie12
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#1763 Post by lannie12 » Tue 02 Dec, 2008 6:23 pm

How many Marines does it take to change the I'M A SCAMMER SPAMMER!!! lightbulb?
None...because i'm the nearest to do it, as you've got me chained to the I'M A SCAMMER SPAMMER!!! sink.... :flirt:

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owdun
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#1764 Post by owdun » Wed 10 Dec, 2008 1:36 pm

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

See, I was doing it right

Ste Preece
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Blonde

#1765 Post by Ste Preece » Fri 16 Jan, 2009 11:13 am

What has an untrue blonde and a crashed aeroplane got in common?


Answer: They both have Black Boxes!!!


Cheers

Steve
Steven Preece
Author of:
Amongst The Marines
Always A Marine
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Ste Preece
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Flowers

#1766 Post by Ste Preece » Fri 16 Jan, 2009 11:13 am

A mate of mine bought his wife some flowers. She was overwhelmed with them and ran upstairs.

5 minutes later she shouted her husband who went up the stairs to see what she wanted.

He saw her lying the with no knickers on and legs wide open.

"What are you doing?" He asked her curiously.

"This is for the flowers." She responded, excited.

"Blood hell woman." He exclaimed. "Haven't you got a vase!!!!"



Cheers

Steve
Steven Preece
Author of:
Amongst The Marines
Always A Marine
Wasted Resource

partymarty1987
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#1767 Post by partymarty1987 » Fri 16 Jan, 2009 1:36 pm

How do you make a chicken roll?....... kick it down a hill

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AJtothemax
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#1768 Post by AJtothemax » Sat 17 Jan, 2009 7:30 pm

Got one on my phone the other day:
"Ok bud, the cops are onto us,
they are looking for a sexy motherf*cker and a retard,
they've already got me,
so grab your helmet and crayons and run like f*ck!!"
AJ

"First with your head and then with your heart. Don't stop."

Wholley

#1769 Post by Wholley » Sun 18 Jan, 2009 1:20 pm

Asking a buddy what he got for Xmas,He replied"A sweater"Looking very glum.
"Whats wrong with a sweater?"Says I.
"I wanted a screamer or a groaner"

Obi Wan Kenobi

#1770 Post by Obi Wan Kenobi » Wed 04 Feb, 2009 3:58 am

A wife is feeling a bit down and says to her husband, "Say something nice about me".

"Well" he replies "You're the double of Linda Lusardi".

"Really?" she says brightening up.

"Yeah" he continues, "she's 9 stone and your 18!"

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