Joke

[jos]

A man is charged with bestiality. He knows he's in deep trouble, so he calls his good friend, O.J. Simpson.
"O.J.," he says, "you got away with murder. I need a great lawyer, but I can't afford your whole Dream Team. Which one do you recommend?"
"Well," says O.J., "Johnnie Cochran was brilliant in court. But the real reason I got off was that great jury. And it was Bob Shapiro who picked the jury."
So the accused decides to go with Shapiro.
The jury is selected and the prosecutor opens his case.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the accused's next-door-neighbour will testify that the accused went into his back yard, dropped his trousers, and had sexual relations with his dog. He then withdrew and the dog turned around and licked the accused's genitals."
At this point juror number 1 turns to no. 2 and says, "A good dog'll do that."

[jos]

This guy was invited to a bachelor party but his wife didn't want him to go.
"Last time you went to a bachelor party you got totally blind drunk and vomited all over yourself, ruining a new suit", she said.
"I promise I'll behave myself," he said, and begged and begged until finally she gave in.
So he goes along to the party and pretty soon he forgets about his promise and begins drinking Long Island iced teas. Before long, he's really fealing it.
He tells a friend: "Shit my wife will kill me if I vomit on myself" he tells a friend.
"No problem," says his friend. "What you do is put $20 in the back of your wallet. If you throw up on yourself give the wife the $20 when you get home and tell her that someone else vomited all over you and gave you $20 for the dry cleaning".
So the guy thinks this is a great idea and starts really hitting it heavy. By 2:00 AM he is shitfaced. He has barfed all over himself as his wife expected he would. So he heads home and his wife greets him at the door.
"Goddamn it, you did it again!" she screams.
"No, no you've got it all wrong! Another guy was so drunk he threw up all over me, but he gave me $20 to pay for the dry cleaning," he says as he hands over the money to his wife.
"If he gave you $20 how come your giving me $40?"
"The other $20 is from the guy who shat in my pants!"

[jos]

A woman is on the witness stand testifying:
"I was walking down the sidewalk, when he grabbed me, dragged me into an alley, ripped off my dress, pulled down my panties, and bent me over a garbage can... I...I don't even remember what happened next..."
The judge says (jerking off motion), "Make something up! Make something up!"

[Mike]

Top 9 comments made by NBC at the Olympics Here are the top nine
Comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the summer
Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I
saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak
from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my
mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some
deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think
we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition
doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of
the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like
they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well
is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and
kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

[got1]

A little boy was lost in the shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said "I've lost my Grandad".

The cop asked "What's he like"?

The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and woman with big tits".

[Noz]

Once upon a wish...

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a "genie". But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works". "You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS agent."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and It
looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with
plentiful food and drink."

***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?

If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached!

[Jon]

Did you hear about the little girl who wanted a puppy for christmas?

She had to have turkey like everyone else

(......ill get my coat)

[Gazza85]

I apoligise if this one has already been posted on here, but i'm not checking through over 100 pages.

An Irishman, An Australian and a Liverpudlian are in a pub having
a drink when they notice a man sitting on his own on the other side of the
pub.

The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly
familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him
before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

"My God! I know who that man is - its Jesus"!
The others looked again, and sure enough it was Jesus himself
sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"?

Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head "yes
I am Jesus" he says.

Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him: "I'd
like you to give Jesus a pint of Guinness from me."

The bartended pours Jesus a Guinness, Jesus looks over, raises his
glass in thanks and drinks.

Then the Australian calls out: "Oi You! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or what?"
Jesus nods his head and says "Yes I am Jesus".

The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartended send over a
pint of Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure.

The Scouser then calls out "Oi whack, would you be Jesus?"
Jesus smiles and says "Yes I am Jesus".
The Scouser beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint
of bitter for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus
accepts the drink and smiles over at the table.

Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and
approaches our three friends.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for
the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement.
"Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I've had for 40 years
is gone! I's a miracle!!!!"

Jesus then shakes the Australian's hand, thanking him for the lager.
Upon letting go, the Australian's eyes widen in shock. "by jingo mate, the
migraine! The migraine I've had
for 10 years is completely gone - it's a miracle !!!!"

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says:

"Back off mate! I'm on disability!"

[AdamR]

A long time ago, there was the horse name White Horse. Since he was born, all White Horse wanted to be was a racing horse. He worked and worked his entire life to be the best racing horse he could. After a few years, he got his shot. He was taken to the best racing track in all of America. As he was being led through the stable to his new home, he passed by another horse, named Black Horse. White Horse looked at Black Horse and said, “Hi, I’m White Horse. It looks like we’ll be racing together!” Black Horse didn’t say anything. White Horse didn’t let it bother him and went to his stable. Before the first race, White Horse worked and worked to get in shape for the race. When the day of the race came, he was in great shape. White Horse was led into his gate, which was right next to Black Horse. White Horse said, “Hey, good luck Black Horse.” Black Horse didn’t even flinch. White Horse was bothered but he didn’t want his focus to waver, so he brushed it off.

The horses get set. The gun fires, and they’re off. White Horse gets way out in front, he’s way ahead of everyone else. But about 20 meters before the finish, Black Horse kicks it into gear and smokes White Horse. Black Horse wins.

White Horse is disappointed, and as he walks by the winner’s circle, he yells to Black Horse, “Hey good job Black Horse.” Black Horse nods to White Horse.

The next week, White Horse works his tail off to get in even better shape for the next race. When the day of the race comes, White Horse takes his place next to Black Horse. White Horse again says “Hey, good luck Black Horse.” Black Horse says, “Yeah, uh, you too.”

The horses get set. The gun fires, and they’re off. White Horse gets way out in front, he’s way ahead of everyone else. But about 15 meters before the finish, Black Horse kicks it into gear and smokes White Horse. Black Horse wins.

White Horse is pissed, he’s already 0-2. But as he walks by the winner’s circle, he yells to Black Horse, “Hey good job Black Horse.” Black Horse says “Thanks.”

The next week, White Horse works his tail off to get in EVEN BETTER shape for the next race. When the day of the race comes, White Horse takes his place next to Black Horse. White Horse again says “Hey, good luck Black Horse.” Black Horse says, “You too, White Horse.”

The horses get set. The gun fires, and they’re off. White Horse gets way out in front, he’s way ahead of everyone else. But about 10 meters before the finish, Black Horse kicks it into gear and smokes White Horse. Black Horse wins.

White Horse is crushed. He can’t understand it. He runs back to his stable and starts crying. Well about this time, a little dog walks by called Little Dog. Little Dog says, “White Horse, what’s wrong?” White Horse says, “I just can’t win. I’m not good enough.” Little Dog says, “Don’t worry about it. Tomorrow, we’ll work harder than you have ever worked before.”

The next day, Little Dog and White Horse BUST ASS. I mean, Rocky-style training. White Horse is in the best shape of his life. When the day of the race comes, White Horse takes his place next to Black Horse. White Horse again says “Hey, good luck Black Horse.” Black Horse says, “You too, White Horse. Don’t hurt yourself”

The horses get set. The gun fires, and they’re off. White Horse gets way out in front, he’s way ahead of everyone else. But about 5 meters before the finish, Black Horse kicks it into gear and smokes White Horse. Black Horse wins.

White Horse is devastated. He doesn’t understand how he lost. So he goes to the doctor to check him out. They do all sorts of tests and such. After a few hours, the doctor comes back and says, “White Horse, I don’t know how to tell you this, but you have cancer. You have about a week to live.” White Horse is just flabbergasted. He goes back to his stable and starts crying. Little Dog comes up and says, “White Horse, what’s wrong?” White Horse stammers out, “I have….cancer. All I want to do is win ONE race before I die.” Little Dog is crushed. He says, “White Horse, don’t worry, I have a feeling you’ll win the next race. Let’s go train and get you in even better shape.”

The night before the race, Little Dog writes an anonymous letter to Black Horse. It reads: “Black Horse, White Horse has cancer. Let him win.” Little Dog then slips the letter in Black Horse’s stable.

When the day of the race comes, White Horse takes his place next to Black Horse. White Horse again says “Hey, good luck Black Horse.” Black Horse says, “You too, White Horse. I’m sure you’ll do great.”

The horses get set. The gun fires, and they’re off. White Horse gets way out in front, he’s way ahead of everyone else. But about 1 meter before the finish, Black Horse kicks it into gear and smokes White Horse. Black Horse wins.

White Horse just falls down and dies right on the track.

Little Dog, seeing this, runs right up to Black Horse and says, “Black Horse, what the f@#k did you do?!?! I f@#k told you White Horse had cancer!!! WHY THE f@#k DID YOU BEAT HIM???”


Black Horse looks down and says, “Holy shit, a talking dog!!”