Unfortunaly the Pope died and went up to heaven.
When he got there St Peter was at the main gate, and greeted him, saying what a wonderful job he had done on earth.
He also to him that God was having an Orderly Room the next day to greet all newcomers, and the Pope was to attened.
Dutifully the Pope turned up outside God@s office, and when it came to his turn was marched in. They had a chat for a few minutes then God asked the Pope if there was anything that he would like to do whilst he was here.
Yes replied the Pope I would like to tread all the old scriptures to make certain that what I have been teaching on earth has been correct.
No proplem said God. Go along to the library see the cheif librarian, mention my name and tell him what you want, you should have no problems, and thank you again for what you did on earth.
A couple of days later God was doing his rounds, as is normal, and he when into the library. He was most put out as there in one corner was the Pope crying his eyes out.
See here Pope lad, God said, What the matter, I thought you wanted to read all the old scriptures.
I did, blubbered the Pope, but look here it says that we have to go out and celebrate.
note to help
celebrate - mark with festivities
celibate - abstain from sexual realtions
Ok sorry it fell flat in the pub as well
SyY
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Joke
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Yorkie Malone
- Member
- Posts: 705
- Joined: Fri 14 Dec, 2001 12:00 am
- Location: Lamerton, Tavistock
-
Yorkie Malone
- Member
- Posts: 705
- Joined: Fri 14 Dec, 2001 12:00 am
- Location: Lamerton, Tavistock
OK JT take the P out of this.
Three blokes were sitting in the pub, as you do. When one says what do you think is the fastst thing there is. He goes on cos I think it's a shout. When I shout then they can hear it immediatly across there.
So the second bloke says no the quickest thing is light. You turn it on at the switch and there you have instant light.
The third who has been on Bass all night said it's none of them it's diarrhoea. What say the other two how do you make that out.
Well I didn't have time to shout or turn the light on!!!!
SyY
Three blokes were sitting in the pub, as you do. When one says what do you think is the fastst thing there is. He goes on cos I think it's a shout. When I shout then they can hear it immediatly across there.
So the second bloke says no the quickest thing is light. You turn it on at the switch and there you have instant light.
The third who has been on Bass all night said it's none of them it's diarrhoea. What say the other two how do you make that out.
Well I didn't have time to shout or turn the light on!!!!
SyY
A COUPLE FOR THE GIRLS
------------------------
A man is in bed with his girlfriend
and pulls out a packet of condoms,
These are called Olympic,they come
in Gold,Bronze,and silver,
Well she said can we use the silver
For just once I would like to see
you finish second.
--------------------------------
A Millionaire gets back from a
gambling trip,and tells his wife
he has lost their fortune,and they
will have to change their lifestyle,
"If you learn to cook we can fire
the chef" he says.
she answers "If If you learn to make
make love,we can fire the gardener"
------------------------------
------------------------
A man is in bed with his girlfriend
and pulls out a packet of condoms,
These are called Olympic,they come
in Gold,Bronze,and silver,
Well she said can we use the silver
For just once I would like to see
you finish second.
--------------------------------
A Millionaire gets back from a
gambling trip,and tells his wife
he has lost their fortune,and they
will have to change their lifestyle,
"If you learn to cook we can fire
the chef" he says.
she answers "If If you learn to make
make love,we can fire the gardener"
------------------------------
HER SIDE OF THE STORY:
He was in an odd mood when we got to the pub, I thought it might have been because he did'nt like my new outfit, but he didn't say anything much about it.
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.
So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL
acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up, I start to wonder whether it's me
or something else. I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure.
So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me and grunts. I don't know what the
hell this means because he doesn't say it
back or anything.
We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me!
So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV and whatched the football.
Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really
distracted.
so afterwards I just wanted to leave its obvious he does'ent want me, I cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, perhaps he's met someone else???......
scroll down....
HIS SIDE OF THE STORY:
Shit day. Bit tired. Got a shag though.
He was in an odd mood when we got to the pub, I thought it might have been because he did'nt like my new outfit, but he didn't say anything much about it.
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.
So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL
acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up, I start to wonder whether it's me
or something else. I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure.
So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me and grunts. I don't know what the
hell this means because he doesn't say it
back or anything.
We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me!
So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV and whatched the football.
Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really
distracted.
so afterwards I just wanted to leave its obvious he does'ent want me, I cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, perhaps he's met someone else???......
scroll down....
HIS SIDE OF THE STORY:
Shit day. Bit tired. Got a shag though.
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Yorkie Malone
- Member
- Posts: 705
- Joined: Fri 14 Dec, 2001 12:00 am
- Location: Lamerton, Tavistock
Picture Matthew Kelly Stars in thier eyes.
Mat has got a new act and is about to run the show when they get news that the person to perform, Simon, has been involved in a bad RTA. Simon has lost both his legs and his uncle Fred, who was driving has died. So Simon can't attend the show.
In hospital the surgeon, a good mate of Doc Jolly, thinks Simon has lost his legs, uncle Fred is dead... I'll use Ferd's legs on Simon and he can walk again.
Cos he's a great Doc it works and low and behold Simon 18 months later is due to appear on Stars in Thier Eyes.
Mat tells of the terrible story and the audiance all clap and cheer.
Mat gets Simon up to the mist and says Tonight Simon who are you going to be.
Mat tonight I'm going to be Simon and half Uncle
That went down OK in the pub, but I was asked to leave....normal
Mat has got a new act and is about to run the show when they get news that the person to perform, Simon, has been involved in a bad RTA. Simon has lost both his legs and his uncle Fred, who was driving has died. So Simon can't attend the show.
In hospital the surgeon, a good mate of Doc Jolly, thinks Simon has lost his legs, uncle Fred is dead... I'll use Ferd's legs on Simon and he can walk again.
Cos he's a great Doc it works and low and behold Simon 18 months later is due to appear on Stars in Thier Eyes.
Mat tells of the terrible story and the audiance all clap and cheer.
Mat gets Simon up to the mist and says Tonight Simon who are you going to be.
Mat tonight I'm going to be Simon and half Uncle
That went down OK in the pub, but I was asked to leave....normal
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Shoulderholster
- Member
- Posts: 982
- Joined: Thu 27 Dec, 2001 12:00 am
- Location: Whippet Country
On the morning of their 50th Wedding anniversary,an elderly couple were sat at the breakfast table,The man said "do you realise 50 yrs ago we sat here naked"?.
she replied "I tell you what how about we relive that memory," so with that they both stripped off and sat down again,after a short time the woman said "do you know my breasts still warm for you?" "I,m not surprised "said the man ,ones in your coffee,and the other is in your porrage!.
she replied "I tell you what how about we relive that memory," so with that they both stripped off and sat down again,after a short time the woman said "do you know my breasts still warm for you?" "I,m not surprised "said the man ,ones in your coffee,and the other is in your porrage!.
