One for the ladies.

[angie]

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some
woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in
Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.


:laola:

[El Prez]

Hair shirts all round, sheath those nails Angie, before..............oops too late. Now we'll have to clean up the mess.

[Wholley]

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

Can't help but notice the American spelling there Ang.
My Boss sent you that didn't she?

[Artist]

Crikey Angie are you going to be walking about on the Square with a big Placard saying:

Oie Ates Farking Men!

If you are let me know when and I'll take a Photo for the forum.

Artist

[angie]

If you liked the last lot your goin to love these.


It is good to be a woman:

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

3. Taxis stop for us.

4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.

6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.

7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.

9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked (most of the time).

12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.

13. We will never regret piercing our ears.

14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

[OIC]

Some more for your collection, Angie.


1. Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.

2. Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck & the noose.

3. Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.

4.How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there & waits for the world to revolve around him.

OR. Three - one to screw in the bulb, two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

5. Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

6. Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath &
calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

7. Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A.Because not one will stop and ask directions.

8. Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts

9. Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

10. Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

11. Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

12. Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

[harry hackedoff]

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish...........................................49
Adventurous..................................Slept with everyone
Athletic.........................................No tits
Average looking.............................Ugly
Beautiful.......................................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile...........................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure........................On medication
Feminist........................................Fat
Free spirit......................................Junkie
Friendship first...............................Former slut
Fun...............................................Annoying
New-Age.......................................Body hair in the wrong
places
Old-fashioned.................................No BJs
Open-minded................................. Desperate
Outgoing........................ ...............Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate............................... ......Sloppy drunk
Professional...................................Bitch
Voluptuous.................................... Very Fat
Large frame................................. ..Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate............................Stalker


WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever thinkabout?

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
12. Waddya mean, you don`t wanna dance?= I s`pose a fcuk`s out of the question then

[Frank S.]

Voluptuous.................................... Very Fat

Or see: Rubenesque, Junoesque. The eye of the beholder and all that jazz, though no jizz in the end...

[harry hackedoff]

Bon soiree mon ami, "Jiz" has a rather "seminal" meaning over the pond mate a bientot

Social drinker = drunken slapper
Non-smoker = smells like an ash-tray, has brown teeth

And no, those last two weren`t about our dear Queen Mum

[Hyperlithe]

Non-smoker = smells like an ash-tray, has brown teeth

Surely that should be smokers?

[harry hackedoff]

Hypers, wake up at the back, there

Surely that should be smokers?

See my previous post and get a male friend to explain
Here`s what my bank sent me, ref new drive-through cas machines

The Bank wishes to inform all its clients that we are installing new "Drive-thru" ATM machines, where you will be able to withdraw money without leaving your vehicle. Please follow the instructions that apply to you:

For our MALE customers:

1. Drive up to the ATM machine
2. Open your car window
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Close window
7. Drive off

For our FEMALE customers:

1. Drive up to ATM machine
2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window with machine
3. Restart stalled engine
4. Open the car window
5 . Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card
6. Turn the radio down
7. Attempt to insert card into machine
8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM machine, (due to its excessive distance from car)
9. Insert card
10.After "Invalid card" is displayed, remove the Myer credit card, and insert correct ATM card
11. Remove ATM card
12. Re-insert card right way up
13. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
14. Enter PIN
15. Press "cancel" and re-enter correct PIN
16. Enter amount of cash required
17. Check make-up in rearview mirror
18. Retrieve card
19. Empty handbag again to locate card holder and place card inside
20. Place receipt in back of cheque book
21. Re-check make-up
22. Drive forward 2metres
23. Reverse back to ATM machine
24. Retrieve cash
25. Re-empty handbag, locate purse and place cash inside
26. Restart stalled engine and pull off
27. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres
28. Release handbrake

[Kanadiana]

Oh Harry ... you know me so WELL