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Posted: Fri 20 Aug, 2004 8:49 pm
by Andy O'Pray
Ole the Norge was not the brightest star in the sky, but he had an awesome talent as a portrait painter. Soon the word of his paintings spread far and wide.

One day a stunning blonde in a stretch limo arrives at Ole's door and she asks Ole if he could paint her in the nude and she would pay up to $50,000.

Ole, not too sure what his wife would think goes inside to ask her. Ole returns and says "Okay, but I vill haff to keep ma socks on ta vipe my paint brushes."

Aye - Andy.

PS: Could this be Artist. :lol:

Posted: Fri 20 Aug, 2004 8:53 pm
by El Prez
If he was sopping wet it could very well be Artist. Or the Artist formerly known as Artist, now known as Sponge.

Posted: Sat 21 Aug, 2004 3:24 pm
by Jon
Two c@#t are playing darts. The barman shouts "For christs sake, use your hands!"

Posted: Sat 21 Aug, 2004 3:33 pm
by Grimey Vibes
What do you get if you add 46 a 12 and a 10???


Micheal Jackson having a threesome.


Why does Micheal Jackson like Twenty Eight year olds??

Because there is 20 of them:P

Posted: Wed 25 Aug, 2004 9:41 am
by Mike
You may not know that non-living things have a gender, for example...



1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you

can see right through them.



2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to

warm them up again.



3) TYRE -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.



4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to

light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.



5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.



6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.



7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.



8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.



9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years,

but it's handy to have around.



10) Remote Control -- Female ... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider

this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he

doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Posted: Thu 26 Aug, 2004 12:45 am
by Jon
11) Duracell Batteries - Female - Because they go on and on and on......

Posted: Fri 27 Aug, 2004 12:05 pm
by Meekon
Teacher Arrested

At Phoenix Sky Harbor airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning pressc onference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on thea rrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

Posted: Mon 30 Aug, 2004 5:36 pm
by harry hackedoff
Hey, Rosie, mwa mwa lick 8)
This young swimmer from the Greek Olympic team manages
to sneak his new girlfriend, a gorgeous Danish gymnast, into
his room at the Olympic Village. Once she's inside, he quickly
switches out all the lights and they rapidly disrobe and leap
onto his bed in a flurry of athletic achievement. After about twenty
minutes of wild sex, they both collapse back on the bed in exhaustion.
The girl looks admiringly across at the swimmer in the dim light.
His beautifully developed muscles, tanned skin and smooth-shaven
scalp glisten with little beads of sweat as he lies beside her. She's
really pleased to have met this guy.

At this point, the swimmer slowly struggles up from the bed. He
fumbles the lid off a bottle on the bedside table, pours himself a
small shot in a glass and drinks it down in one gulp. Then he
stands bolt upright, takes a deep breath and, in a surprisingly
energetic motion, dives under the bed, climbing out the other
side and beating his chest like a gorilla. Then he vaults back on
top of the girl and commences a frantic repeat performance.

The Danish girl is very impressed with the gusto of this second
encounter. Somehow, the Greek Adonis has completely recovered
from his previous exhaustion! After nearly half an hour of wild
activity in every possible position, the gasping male swimmer
again crawls out of bed and swallows another shot of the
mysterious liquid. Once more he dives under the bed, emerges
on the other side, beats his chest and commences to make love
all over AGAIN.

The girl is just amazed and delighted as the action continues at the
same blistering pace as before. In the darkness, she can't properly
see what kind of tonic is causing these incredible transformations,
but she sure likes the effect! More than an hour later, after another
repeat of the strange drinking ritual on his part, and a whole string
of ecstatic multiple orgasms on her part, the Danish girl is now
feeling rather faint herself.

"Just a minute, big boy," she whispers to the panting bald-headed
Greek Adonis, "I think I need to try some of your tonic!" She rises
unsteadily and pours a small shot of the liquid. She braces herself
for some sort of medicinal effect, but actually it just tastes like Coca-
Cola. Then she stands up straight, takes a deep breath and dives
under the bed....

...only to smash straight into the three other exhausted members
of the Greek relay team.............


Don`t you just hate it when that happens? I know I do :roll:

Posted: Sat 04 Sep, 2004 8:23 pm
by joethejudge
What is the difference between Paula Radcliffe and Hitler?

At least Hitler tried too finish a race.


I don't think this would offend anyone

Posted: Sat 04 Sep, 2004 9:19 pm
by Grimey Vibes
joethejudge wrote:What is the difference between Paula Radcliffe and Hitler?

At least Hitler tried too finish a race.


I don't think this would offend anyone
LOL, i found that one very funny :lol:

Posted: Tue 07 Sep, 2004 11:10 am
by got1
A man goes to see Mel Gibsons new movie, "The Passion", and is inspired to take his family to Israel to see the places where Jesus lived and died.

While on vacation his mother-in-law dies.

An undertaker in Tel Aviv explains that they can ship the body home to Wisconsin at a cost of $10,000 or the mother-in-law could be buried in Israel for $500.

The man says, "We'll ship her home".

The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? that's an awfull big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."

The man say's, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. Ijust can;t take that chance.....

Warning Children!

Posted: Tue 07 Sep, 2004 2:38 pm
by barrybudden
>For those with No children - this is totally hysterical!

>

>For those who already have children past this age - this is hilarious.

>

>For those who have children at this age - this is not funny.

>

>For those who have children nearing this age - this is a warning.

>

>For those who have not yet had children - this is a form of birth

>control!

>

>

>The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas: "Things

>I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):"

>

>1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 3 bedroom house

>about 4 inches deep.

>

>2. If you spray hair spray on a nylon duster and then run over it with

>roller skates / blades, they can ignite.

>

>3. A 3-year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded

>restaurant.

>

>4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong

>enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman

>Cape.

>It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on

>all four walls of a large room.

>

>5. You should not throw balls up when the ceiling fan is on, using the

>ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before

>you get a hit. A ceiling fan can then hit a ball a long way.

>

>6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a ball hit by a

>ceiling fan.

>

>7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already

>too late.

>

>8. Brake fluid mixed with Bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.

>

>9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a

>36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

>

>10. Certain bits of Lego will pass through the digestive tract of a

>4-year old.

>

>11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

>

>12. Super glue is forever.

>

>13. No matter how much Jelly you put in a swimming pool you still can't

>walk on water.

>

>14. Pool filters do not like Jelly.

>

>15. VCR's do not eject toasted sandwiches even though TV commercials

>show they do.

>

>16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

>

>17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving and are very

>expensive to remove.

>

>18. You probably do not want to know what that smell really is.

>

>19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not

>like ovens.

>

>20. The average response time for the fire brigade is about 20 minutes.

>

>21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms

>dizzy.

>

>22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

>

>23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

>

>24. The mind of a 6-year old is a wonderful and amazing thing.

>

>True story:

>

>One day the infant school teacher was reading the story of the Three

>Little Pigs to her class.

>She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to

>accumulate the building materials for his home.

>She read,"..And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full

>of straw and said,

>"Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

>The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man

>said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy

>****! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10

>minutes.

>

>

>25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake fluid.

>

>

>

>

Posted: Tue 07 Sep, 2004 3:29 pm
by barrybudden
So who thought about mixing the bleach and brake fluid?

Posted: Tue 07 Sep, 2004 3:39 pm
by bigbart
No, that's ridiculous.. :oops: