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An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish
New York City Office Building.
A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling
like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says
arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and
also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says,
"Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her
destiny and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves,
she looks both beautiful women in the eye, she bends over, and
farts....... "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!!!"

Don't know if this one's already been posted... I aint going to read all ninety odd pages...
A bloke is stood at a urinal, when in walks a short, ugly little man covered in warts, with a huge nose and bad complexion.
"f*ckin hell you'r ugly!" The bloke says.
"Yes," frowns the little man, "That's because I'm a leprechaun."
"b@#%?cks!" Laughs the man.
"I'll prove it.." he says, "I can grant you 3 wishes. Wish away."
The man decides to humour him. "Okay," he says, "I wouldn't mind, say...ten million?"
"It's in your bank" replies the little man.
"Really? Okay, and I'd like a porsche as well.."
"It'll be on your drive when you wake up in the morning."
Then as the bloke considers his final wish, he looks down and sees that the ugly little fellow has a huge cock, around fifteen inches, with a width of about two inches.
"Wow!" He shouts, "I want a cock that size!"
The little guy frowns. "No, I can't do that."
"You said I get 3 wishes!" He replies, "you have to!"
"Okay, but there's one condition. You have to let me f*ck you up the arse."
"No way, you can f*ck that idea off..."
But as the man looks again at the big cock, he imagines all the women around him, a millionaire, driving around in his porsche, with a huge cock...
Two hours later he lies in bed next to the ugly little f*cker, who is smoking a cigarette. He has had a painful shagging up the tradesman's entrance, and is dabbing it with an ice pack. Trying to make conversation, he says
"I still can't believe how big your cock is."
The bloke laughs. "And I still can't believe you thought I was a leprechaun."

rabby wrote:"Tie the Englishman to my back."

Funny, when I herd that joke it was the jock tied to the Englishman's back.... How strange

Jason, it only takes a little manipulation! When I got it first it had a welshman instead of a Scotsman, naturally it had to be changed!

The Last Fling:

Two old men feeling they are close to their last days on earth
decided to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks they
end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to
her manager, "Go up to the first two rooms and put an inflated doll
in each bed. I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. These two are
so old and drunk they won't know the difference."

The two men go up the stairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first one says, "You know, I think my
girl was dead!"

"Dead?" says his friend, "why would you think that?" "Well, she
never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."

His friend says, "I think mine was a witch."

"A WITCH!!! Why the hell would you say that?"

"Well, I was making love to her, kissing on her neck and I gave
her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window

A mother was working in the I'M A SCAMMER SPAMMER!!!, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, Cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to store all of your hand luggage under your seat. remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to the fat bitch in the I'M A SCAMMER SPAMMER!!!."

Circa Euro 2004:-

Why are Englishmen better lovers than the French???
Cos we can stay on top for 90 minutes and still come second!!!!!

and

Did you hear about Posh Spice breaking the English gang bang record?
Her shaven c*nt f**ked the whole country!

hehe

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They take her to ta local motel.

The first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears starnge noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it!"

In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it."
The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems?"
"No. I couldnt get on the bed!"

What do you get when a Dwarf walks through a womens legs..........










A clit round the ear and a flap in the face!

A company boss has to decide who to lay off. He decides on two low level management employees Jack or Karen. He goes to Karen and says, "I will have to lay you or Jack off."

President George Bush is on a trip to several European countries.
While visiting England, he is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks
her what her leadership philosophy is.
She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.
He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen.
"Allow me to demonstrate." The Queen phones Tony Blair, puts him on a
speaker phone and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this
question for me.
"Your mother has a child, your father has a child, and this child is
not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, madam."
"Correct. Thank you and goodbye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up
and says, "Did you get that, Mr. President?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning home, he decides he'd better put some of his old
friends to the test. He calls Dick Cheney first and says, "Hi, Dick, I
wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, Mr President. What's on your mind?"
"Well, your mother has a child and your father has a child, and this
child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Cheney hums and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get
back to you?" Bush agrees, and Cheney hangs up. Cheney immediately
calls members of his staff and they puzzle over the question for several
hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.
Finally, in desperation, Cheney calls Colin Powell at the State
Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, Colin, your
mother has a child, your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot."
Much relieved, Cheney rushes back to call Bush and exclaims, "I know
the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair!"

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists
... two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one
of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know
that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the
circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a
chair. Kill her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never
shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this
job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same
instructions He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for
about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears In his eyes. "I
tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what
it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same
instructions,to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the
room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming,
crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The
door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from
her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him
to death with the chair."

Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them !!!

An Essexgirl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essexgirl
notices something strange about the wellies that the Irish guy's
wearing. She says to him "Scuse me mate, I ain't bein fannny or naffink, but why doz one of your wellies ave an L on it, and the uva one's got an R on it?"
So, the Irish guy smiles, puts down his pint of Guinness and replies,
"Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R is for me roight
foot and the one with the L is for me left foot." "Cor, blimey!" exclaims the
Essexgirl, "So THAT'S why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them."

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An Essexgirl is crossing the road, when she gets hit by an XR3i.
As she is lying on the ground, the driver, Dave, rushes out of the car to
see if she is alright. "I'm so sorry luv! I just didn't see ya. Are ya OK?"
he blurts out. Everyfink is justa blur, I can't see a fing" she says,
tearfully. Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight. He asks, "How many fingers have I got up?" "Ah f**kin 'ell NO!" she screams. "Don't tell me I'm paralyzed from the waist down an all!!!"

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Two Essex girls walk up to a perfume counter and pick up a
sample bottle, Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace?" "Yeah, what's it called?" "Viens a moi"
VIENS A MOI, what the f**k does that mean?" At this stage the assistant
offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies is French for 'come to me'"
Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me Trace. Does it smell like come to you?"

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An Essexgirl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
How many children?" asks the council worker "10" replies the Essexgirl
"10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?" "Wayne,
Wayne,Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne" "Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Essexgirl "its great because if they a! re
out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..." "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker. "That's easy," says the Essexgirl... "I just use their surnames"

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off! Angrily, the woman tosses it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple is a man and his 12-year-old daughter.
The little girl is just chatting away with her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.
Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"
Not wanting to expose his 12-year-old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age,the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."
The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

Three lads are walking down a canal-side path when they see a man in the middle of the water struggling to stay affloat. Without hesitation the lads jump into the water and save the mans life, but they are stunned to discover that it is Tony Blair.

"Thankyou for saving my life", says Blair. "To repay you ill give each of you a wish and I will use my political power to make that wish come true."

"Id like to watch fighter planes taking off from onboard an aircraft carrier" says the first lad.

"No problem. Ill get that arranged," replies Blair.

The second lad then says "I'd like to fly in a fighter plane".

"No problem," replies Blair again

Then the third lad turns to Blair and says "I'd like a state funeral please."

Puzzled, tony Blair replies "OK. But my I ask why?"

"Because when my dad finds out ive saved your life he will kill me"