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What do you call a nine foot pole in a punt?

A long bit of wood.

Artist

What do you call an Eskimo in a three piece suit?

The Lounge.

Artist

Royals map reading skills

Two guys are moving about in a Wal-Mart when their carts collide.

One says to the other, "Excuse me, but I'm looking for my wife."

"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."

"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"

"She's tall, with dark hair, long legs, firm boobs, and a tight ass."

"What's your wife look like?"

"Never mind, let's look for yours..."

This dad and his five-year-old lad were at the Biggin hill flying show.
His son is pestering him for a ride in one of the tiger month planes.
So his dad approaches the pilot and asks him to take him and his lad for a fly around.
The pilot being ex-navy says, ‘I’ll only take you up if when flying both of you don’t make a sound? If one of you lets out one sound you have top pay me 200 quid.’
The dad agrees.
Once in the air the pilot loops the loop and triesloads of other death defying stunts to get them to make a sound.
After landing the pilot says to the dad, ‘Well I tried everything and you didn’t make a sound, not a peep.’
The dad replied, ‘yes it was really hard not screaming when my lad fell out.’

A crying, three-legged dog walks into a bar and says,


This is dreadful....
Wait for it........




"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show.
On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.
The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.
After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

A man was explaining to a friend how he managed to get home the previous night.

" I was doing just fine until I turned into my driveway", he said.
"And then what happened?"

"Someone stepped on my hands!"

This old dear wanted to join the local Chapter of the Hells Angels.

She goes to the club house and the top Angel asked her;

"Have you ever been pulled by the Fuzz Lady?"

"No but I've been swung by the tits quite a few times!"

Artist

A man is recieving a suck from his new girlfriend, who is a bit nervous because it is her first time

She stops for a moment and says "when you are about to cum, tell me, because I dont want you doing it in my mouth. OK?"

"Sure," he says.

Minutes later the girl runs out the room in horror and starts being sick in the toilet. She then marches back in a complete rage and starts screaming at the man, "For christs sake! I told you that I didnt want you to cum in my mouth!"

"I didnt", replies the man. "I was just having a piss."

In a recent survey, 70% of Scousers admitted to having sex in the shower
The other 30% said that they had never been to prison

A man is recieving a Blow job from his new girlfriend,
She stops for a moment and says "when you are about to cum, tell me, because I dont want you doing it in my mouth. OK?"

"S..Sure," he says.

Minutes later the girl runs out the room in horror and starts being sick in the toilet. She then marches back in a complete rage and starts screaming at the man, "For christs sake! I told you that I didnt want you to cum in my mouth, and to tell me when you were coming.

I.......I.......I.....I`v.......I`ve.............I`ve G...........I`ve Go........I`ve got..........I`ve got a s..s...s...s...stutt.....stutter

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awakened. The noise would wake his wife
and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop farting because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly
natural.

She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to fart.

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a
malicious thought came to her! She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband awakened with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a bloodcurdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!
After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she
asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

A Scotsman, an Australian and an Englishman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced:"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The Australian was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back.

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain. The Englishman was next up. After watching the Australian in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Englishman was soon led away whimpering loudly.

The Scotsman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Scotsman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "You are a very brave man". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.


"Tie the Englishman to my back."