Active Network: Military Forums | Cheap Combat Boots Facebook Icon Twitter Icon YouTube Icon Ebay Icon Amazon Icon Have an account? Sign In Join Free  
Military Forums Logo  
Home | About | Articles | Forums | Photo Gallery | Shop | Reviews | Search | Services | Downloads | Contact | Donations | Links | Advertise


[Advertise Here]


It is currently Sat Feb 25, 2017 6:47 am

All times are UTC





Post new topic  Reply to topic  [ 1780 posts ]  Go to page Previous 1115 116 117 118 119
Author Message
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Mar 26, 2009 11:05 pm 
Offline
New Member
New Member

Joined: Sat Oct 06, 2007 5:35 pm
Posts: 30
Location: Merseyside
The missus came home the other night a bit upset and asked me to console her.

So I twated her across the head with me Xbox. :o


Top
   
Sponsor:
Help Support Military Forums

Help Support Military Forums
  Advertise on Military Forums
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Mar 27, 2009 1:02 am 
Offline
Rising Star Member
Rising Star Member
User avatar

Joined: Thu Apr 12, 2007 9:30 pm
Posts: 809
Location: Nottinghamshire, UK
Its a bit crap but i'll post it anyway.

There were 3 builders sat at the top beem of the Sky Scraper they were building eating there sandwiches, when builder 1 says "I hate my wife always making me the same sandwich every day, I have not had anything different for years" and builder 2 and 3 both agree and have a good moan about it.

The next day the same time and place they open there sandwiches to find the same again! builder 1 says "thats it if I get the same again tommorow I am jumping off this beam too my death" the other 2 builders agree to do the same.

The third day the same 3 builders just opening there lunch, builder 1 opens his to find the same AGAIN! then he says "I warned you boys I have had it" and he jumps off too his death. Builder 2 opens his YES to find the same again and he turns to builder 3 smiles and jumps off aswel. Builder 3 is sat there alone unwrapping his sandwich to find the same once again, he just sighs and jumps off also.

A few weeks later at there funeral the 3 builders wifes are talking, builder 1's wife says "If he was unhappy he should have just told me" builder 2's wife "Yes, I would have made him something different if he had asked".....
































...and builder 3's wife "I don't get it, my husband always made his own sandwiches".


Top
   
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Mar 27, 2009 9:26 am 
Almost in the same vein and I may have posted this before....
Guy standing atop of the Empire State building deciding whether or not to jump.
A person in a white robe appears next to him and says"What's up Bud?"

"My wife has left me and taken the kid's with her,I lost my job and the house is being repo'ed so I'm thinking about just ending it all"

"Why think about it?Just do it,if on the way down you change your mind just swoop"

"What do you mean,Swoop?"

"I'll show you"
The robed guy jumps off the building and half way down turns upwards and fly's back to the ledge.

"Can I do that?"Says the depressed guy.

"Sure you can"
So the guy jumps and plummets to a horrible and rather squishy death.

The heavens cloud over and a deep voice booms"Gabriel....Sometimes for an Angel you can be a right c@#t."


Top
   
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Mar 27, 2009 1:41 pm 
Offline
Casual Member
Casual Member
User avatar

Joined: Sat Jan 10, 2009 10:39 am
Posts: 70
Location: Belfast
Two jokes...that I found funny

(1)

"I thought I saw you name on my bread this morning"

"Really?"

"Yeah then I read it again and it said Thick Cut"


(2)

"I had a wet dream about you last night...I dreamt you got hit by a bus and I pissed my self laughing"


Top
   
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Mar 30, 2009 9:17 pm 
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied."What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, it might be OK in California but we're not having any of that s**t in Ohio"



I thought it was good!


Top
   
 Post subject: Re: Joke
PostPosted: Mon Jun 14, 2010 4:03 pm 
Offline
Casual Member
Casual Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed Mar 25, 2009 8:33 am
Posts: 52
Location: UK
I was workin in a pub and some woman comes to the bar and asks for a 'double entendre'

So I gave her one


Top
   
 Post subject: Re: Joke
PostPosted: Mon Jun 14, 2010 7:38 pm 
Offline
Familiar Member
Familiar Member
User avatar

Joined: Mon Jan 01, 2007 11:26 am
Posts: 182
Location: colly
Tips on how to masturbate;

If you're a girl

1) Get something small if it's your first time, like a lip gloss container. Make sure it's got a rounded tip.
2) Put a little water on it.
3) Get yourself on the ground or your bed. Make sure you're comfortable.
4) Put your feet up on something. Make sure they are higher than your head. Spread your legs.
5) For the ultimate experience, relax first. Just lay there. Think about nothing. And DONT BE NERVOUS.
6) Slowly begin to touch your breasts. Feel them (have your eyes closed or open but if they are open make sure you're not focusing on anything)
7) Keep one hand on your breast and slowly move the other one down to your thigh. (I did not have underwear but I was wearing pants and a shirt, loose pants.) Move your hand up and down your thigh while massaging your breast.
8) With your breast hand, slowly take the lip gloss container or your object of choice. Your clit might start to get a weird feeling like you really want to touch it. DON'T.
9) Tease yourself with the object by gently rubbing the spot between your poophole and vagina. This will drive you nuts. Slowly begin to touch and massage the part right above the hole. (I suggest you know where it is before you start all this.)
10) Rub for a while. Gently, occasionally harder but not too hard yet.
11) At this point you should be aching to rub harder and just get going. Again, don't. If you do not feel this yet, continue the teasing, very gently.
12) Slowly move your fingers to the hole, don't put them in, but just finger it softly.
13) Take your object and place it near the hole and your other hand. Take your free hand off the hole and start to massage your clit harder. (That's the spot above the hole)
14) Slowly stick the object in. Gently, it shouldn't feel good yet. It might hurt a small amount going in. That means you've bumped a sensitive spot. That's not a bad thing, just angle it a little and keep going.
15) Once it's in as far as it can be without losing it to your pussy, begin slowly moving it in and out a little. Don't take it all the way out, just a little. Get faster, and faster. Start massaging your clit HARD. Go nuts. You might feel like your on the brink of an orgasm. You might have one. This feels very good.
16) Then stick it in all the way and start pushing it back and forth hitting the sides of your hole. Faster, faster. Massage clit again.
17) Repeat steps 15 and 16 as much as you want. If you take it out for longer than 30 seconds, I suggest you excite yourself again with the teasing. If you do, it will be worse. Since you have already done it, you're going to want it worse.
18) I would stop with the lip gloss for now, don't go on to something bigger. Save that for another night. You could be sore after this but you shouldn't be unless you used something large.

If you're a boy

1)Read this.
2)Rub penis.

_________________
"Many are called but few are chosen, keep your webbing tight, your weapon clean and work hard. When times are tough be proud of who you are, trust in those above you and stay loyal to those around you"


Top
   
 Post subject: Re: Joke
PostPosted: Fri Jun 03, 2011 3:19 am 
Offline
Familiar Member
Familiar Member
User avatar

Joined: Sun Aug 10, 2008 8:33 pm
Posts: 246
Location: Cheshire
What do you call a duck in a shellsuit?






















AN EGG


Top
   
 Post subject: Re: Joke
PostPosted: Fri Jun 03, 2011 4:47 am 
Jeez Artist I thought I was the only insomniac here.
Mind you even at 03:19hrs.I could do better than duck in a shell suit. :D


Top
   
 Post subject: Re: Joke
PostPosted: Sat Aug 27, 2016 7:57 pm 
Offline
New Member
New Member

Joined: Sat Aug 27, 2016 7:50 pm
Posts: 1
Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."


Top
   
Sponsor:
Help Support Military Forums

Help Support Military Forums
  Advertise on Military Forums
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic  Reply to topic  [ 1780 posts ]  Go to page Previous 1115 116 117 118 119

All times are UTC


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Limited


[Advertise Here]
 
© Copyright Military Forums 2001-2016. All rights reserved. All trademarks recognised.
Contact us for more information on Military Forums. Would you like to Advertise with us?
This website uses cookies. Please read our Terms & Conditions & Privacy Policy. Part of the WickidNet network.

Sponsors:
www.PineTarSoap.net and www.PineTarSoap.co.uk - We know how much people love Pine Tar Soap Products and so do we!
www.HavePaphos.co.uk - Luxury Villa and Apartment Rentals in Southern Cyprus.
www.HoldenRoofing.co.uk - Holden & Sons Roofing Contractors carry out domestic and commercial work across the South East of England.
www.ImperialSecuritySolutions.co.uk - Imperial Security Solutions provide burglar and intruder alarms, CCTV and door entry and access control systems to your home or business.

Network:
www.CheapBoots.org.uk - For the latest offers on your Combat, Miltary, Safety & Desert Boots at great prices.