Joke

Discussions about those units who make up the Commando’s.
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KODE
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#1771 Post by KODE » Thu 26 Mar, 2009 11:05 pm

The missus came home the other night a bit upset and asked me to console her.

So I twated her across the head with me Xbox. :o

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tom163
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#1772 Post by tom163 » Fri 27 Mar, 2009 1:02 am

Its a bit crap but i'll post it anyway.

There were 3 builders sat at the top beem of the Sky Scraper they were building eating there sandwiches, when builder 1 says "I hate my wife always making me the same sandwich every day, I have not had anything different for years" and builder 2 and 3 both agree and have a good moan about it.

The next day the same time and place they open there sandwiches to find the same again! builder 1 says "thats it if I get the same again tommorow I am jumping off this beam too my death" the other 2 builders agree to do the same.

The third day the same 3 builders just opening there lunch, builder 1 opens his to find the same AGAIN! then he says "I warned you boys I have had it" and he jumps off too his death. Builder 2 opens his YES to find the same again and he turns to builder 3 smiles and jumps off aswel. Builder 3 is sat there alone unwrapping his sandwich to find the same once again, he just sighs and jumps off also.

A few weeks later at there funeral the 3 builders wifes are talking, builder 1's wife says "If he was unhappy he should have just told me" builder 2's wife "Yes, I would have made him something different if he had asked".....
































...and builder 3's wife "I don't get it, my husband always made his own sandwiches".

Wholley

#1773 Post by Wholley » Fri 27 Mar, 2009 9:26 am

Almost in the same vein and I may have posted this before....
Guy standing atop of the Empire State building deciding whether or not to jump.
A person in a white robe appears next to him and says"What's up Bud?"

"My wife has left me and taken the kid's with her,I lost my job and the house is being repo'ed so I'm thinking about just ending it all"

"Why think about it?Just do it,if on the way down you change your mind just swoop"

"What do you mean,Swoop?"

"I'll show you"
The robed guy jumps off the building and half way down turns upwards and fly's back to the ledge.

"Can I do that?"Says the depressed guy.

"Sure you can"
So the guy jumps and plummets to a horrible and rather squishy death.

The heavens cloud over and a deep voice booms"Gabriel....Sometimes for an Angel you can be a right c@#t."

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JunkBox
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#1774 Post by JunkBox » Fri 27 Mar, 2009 1:41 pm

Two jokes...that I found funny

(1)

"I thought I saw you name on my bread this morning"

"Really?"

"Yeah then I read it again and it said Thick Cut"


(2)

"I had a wet dream about you last night...I dreamt you got hit by a bus and I pissed my self laughing"

just_me

#1775 Post by just_me » Mon 30 Mar, 2009 10:17 pm

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied."What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, it might be OK in California but we're not having any of that s**t in Ohio"



I thought it was good!

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Bees
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Re: Joke

#1776 Post by Bees » Mon 14 Jun, 2010 5:03 pm

I was workin in a pub and some woman comes to the bar and asks for a 'double entendre'

So I gave her one

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sky ninja steve
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Re: Joke

#1777 Post by sky ninja steve » Mon 14 Jun, 2010 8:38 pm

Tips on how to masturbate;

If you're a girl

1) Get something small if it's your first time, like a lip gloss container. Make sure it's got a rounded tip.
2) Put a little water on it.
3) Get yourself on the ground or your bed. Make sure you're comfortable.
4) Put your feet up on something. Make sure they are higher than your head. Spread your legs.
5) For the ultimate experience, relax first. Just lay there. Think about nothing. And DONT BE NERVOUS.
6) Slowly begin to touch your breasts. Feel them (have your eyes closed or open but if they are open make sure you're not focusing on anything)
7) Keep one hand on your breast and slowly move the other one down to your thigh. (I did not have underwear but I was wearing pants and a shirt, loose pants.) Move your hand up and down your thigh while massaging your breast.
8) With your breast hand, slowly take the lip gloss container or your object of choice. Your clit might start to get a weird feeling like you really want to touch it. DON'T.
9) Tease yourself with the object by gently rubbing the spot between your poophole and vagina. This will drive you nuts. Slowly begin to touch and massage the part right above the hole. (I suggest you know where it is before you start all this.)
10) Rub for a while. Gently, occasionally harder but not too hard yet.
11) At this point you should be aching to rub harder and just get going. Again, don't. If you do not feel this yet, continue the teasing, very gently.
12) Slowly move your fingers to the hole, don't put them in, but just finger it softly.
13) Take your object and place it near the hole and your other hand. Take your free hand off the hole and start to massage your clit harder. (That's the spot above the hole)
14) Slowly stick the object in. Gently, it shouldn't feel good yet. It might hurt a small amount going in. That means you've bumped a sensitive spot. That's not a bad thing, just angle it a little and keep going.
15) Once it's in as far as it can be without losing it to your pussy, begin slowly moving it in and out a little. Don't take it all the way out, just a little. Get faster, and faster. Start massaging your clit HARD. Go nuts. You might feel like your on the brink of an orgasm. You might have one. This feels very good.
16) Then stick it in all the way and start pushing it back and forth hitting the sides of your hole. Faster, faster. Massage clit again.
17) Repeat steps 15 and 16 as much as you want. If you take it out for longer than 30 seconds, I suggest you excite yourself again with the teasing. If you do, it will be worse. Since you have already done it, you're going to want it worse.
18) I would stop with the lip gloss for now, don't go on to something bigger. Save that for another night. You could be sore after this but you shouldn't be unless you used something large.

If you're a boy

1)Read this.
2)Rub penis.
"Many are called but few are chosen, keep your webbing tight, your weapon clean and work hard. When times are tough be proud of who you are, trust in those above you and stay loyal to those around you"

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Artist
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Re: Joke

#1778 Post by Artist » Fri 03 Jun, 2011 4:19 am

What do you call a duck in a shellsuit?






















AN EGG

Wholley

Re: Joke

#1779 Post by Wholley » Fri 03 Jun, 2011 5:47 am

Jeez Artist I thought I was the only insomniac here.
Mind you even at 03:19hrs.I could do better than duck in a shell suit. :D

JoeSgt
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Re: Joke

#1780 Post by JoeSgt » Sat 27 Aug, 2016 8:57 pm

Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."

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